posted 23 Apr 2013, 18:07
Lady Mas is about to start the final weeks questions to complete her challenge of having a different question asked every single day for an entire year. So this is my last chance to ask a question and I want to say that I am very grateful indeed that she has allowed me to occasionally help her to achieve her goal, it's been a lot of fun.▼67 comments
The Good, the Bad and the Dreadful
I signed in yesterday and received an automatic Pm about the status of an idea that I had liked that has been changed. It's probably the best idea that has ever been put into the idea box and it was aSBo's idea to rename the General Discussions header in the community section. Every single day threads are created in there that have to be moved because people think that is where general discussion threads should be created, and who can blame them when that's the title for that section! Simply renaming it to something like 'Torrent Talk' would prevent people from ever making that mistake and only torrent related threads would be created in there. But guess what's been decided? That's right folks, DECLINED.
Now I don't know exactly how long aSBo's idea sat in the idea box but I know it was a very very long time indeed. I think it was suggested about a year ago but maybe it wasn't quite that long ago, I really can't remember. It really doesn't matter how long ago it was it was a really good idea, but let's now take a little look at some ideas that have been suggested and have been deemed to be good enough to either be started or planned.
Download To Mind Feature. Started
A button where you click and it downloads wirelessly to your brain where you can watch in your head later on. May require future technology.
Now this one is actually pretty funny and it demonstrates that admin here actually do have a sense of humour because the idea has the status of 'Started' (We know they have a sense of humour though because yet again they thought it was a good idea to screw around with the rep system)
Ban Religion Started
Ban religion because all it has done has made humans hate each other, it has killed more humans and animals than any war or disease.
I don't know if this is a joke or if the suggestion is simply being made that religion would no longer be allowed as a topic of discussion. I have no idea about what it is actually proposing because the idea has barely even been described and only thirty three people have liked it and eleven have disliked it. But even though it is not clear what the idea even is and it only has a positive rating (When offset against those who dislike it) of twenty people, it's an idea that has the status of 'Started'
Full Toolbars For When Replying To Posts Planned
It would be very useful to have the full text, picture, hyperlink toolbars that are available when starting a new thread also available when replying to a post, it would make replying more enjoyable and easier to insert pictures and hyperlinks, etc.
I'm not actually even sure what this even is but it doesn't have the whiff of crazy about it that so many other ideas in the ideabox have so why you are wondering is it here in my list? Well I'll tell you, it's an idea that has been proposed by a user who is now deleted and who had only one comment and one post. He put his idea in the ideabox two years ago! His account was also deleted two years ago. That's right folks, his idea has sat in the ideabox for two fricking years! It's now been moved to the planned stage which seems to be an indication that KAT actually works on a geological time scale.
Expand Entire File List Planned
Add a button to expand the entire file (folder) list (all the folders gets expanded)
That way you can see what is inside every folder without having to individually click on a folder to expand it.
This one is really special and annoys me to such a degree that I am forced to wonder if the sheer level of laziness and stupidity that we human beings are capable of will ever really find a limit. What a brilliant idea, if you don't want to click on a folder to see what's inside it you could just click on a special button that does it for you. Who knows you might save yourself two or maybe even three clicks! With that extra time you now have you could beat yourself silly with a cricket bat or perhaps set fire to your genitals. This genius idea was put into the ideabox two years ago and has only been thumbed up a total of fifteen times, but thankfully it has been deemed to be of such value that it now has the 'Planned' status.
Custom User Title Planned
Just a random idea.
Other sites have an option of having a custom title (at the discretion of a moderator)
Would it be possible to have that here as well.
Instead of having a title of "user" or "super user" those who qualify can suggest a special name for themselves.
Now this idea was actually suggested by a Mod eleven months ago and maybe we can forgive him for this because I believe he was only eighteen years old at the time so was probably high and spending most of his time on Wastebook or gaming in his bedroom. The obvious problem with this idea is that we already have people here who are confused about what the different titles mean and the last thing we need is to add even more titles that actually don't mean anything at all. How for instance is anyone going to know they can approach a Super User for assistance if they are not called a Super User, and are instead called 'Supreme Jedi Overlord' or 'Grand Baconator' This idea has only eight thumbs up and four thumbs down but it's in the 'Planned' stage for some bizarre reason.
So there we have it ladies and gentlemen, the Ideabox, a place where great ideas go to die and ideas with consequences that have barely even been considered rise to the top. Now in truth some really good ideas have come from the ideabox and we are using a site with many really great features that owe their existence to suggestions that have been made by we the users. When an idea that is as good as aSBo's idea was gets rejected though, we really do have to ask ourselves just what chance does common sense have when it faces such inconceivable opposition.
So for your final question from me I want to hear either a great idea or a terrible idea (Or both if you are feeling imaginative) for how to improve KAT, essentially I want you to treat this blog as though it's the Ideabox.
These are my ideas.
A private social group where Wizards, Mods, Staff and a few users who are carefully selected can gather to discuss future updates and their possible effects on the site before those updates are implemented.
A poll to ask users for their opinion so that when the results come in that are overwhelmingly in favour of abolishing a bad idea, the position can be taken that the results were not convincing and the views of the users can be completely ignored. This will create the illusion of inclusiveness while simultaneously insulting the intelligence of the users.
What great idea would you like to see implemented to improve the site or what really terrible idea can you think of that should be added to the ideabox?
Thank you very very much to all those who have answered my previous questions, you have added flesh to the bones of my words.
This is the blog that was knocked off the blogroll - Question 356
posted 06 Apr 2013, 19:47
From Time To Time▼37 comments
You have a time machine and you can go anywhere you want in time but there are two catches, it's a one way journey and you can only travel into the past. So why would you leave behind the modern world with all of its comforts? We have fast food and central heating and computers filled to bursting with naked ladies. (Not mine obviously, yours is filled with naked ladies. I know none of the women have any porn on their computers though because you're all virtuous and demure and wouldn't dream of looking at that sort of thing)
Sadly you have no choice, you have to leave because a huge great asteroid is about to destroy the Earth. You need to go back far enough in time to be able to live out the rest of your lifespan. So if you think you are going to live for another seventy years you could go back as little as eighty years which would take you back to 1933, but given what we know about 1939 that might not be the best choice to make. You of course have to remember that you are going back in time with all of your modern knowledge so if you are smart you could go back and rule like a king, or even a god! (I have always been an overachiever) But what modern knowledge do you really have that you could use? Yes you might know how to repair a car engine, but you couldn't build one from scratch back in 850 AD and add an engine to a horse drawn cart because you would be limited by what the blacksmith can do, and where are you going to get fuel? Maybe a steam engine, but you probably don't actually know how to build one of them. So you have to think carefully about what modern knowledge or skills you have that you could actually use. (Being great at belching your national anthem is probably not going to help you) I know how to make gunpowder so that could certainly be useful if I go back far enough, but then I would have to be careful I was not burned for being a witch.
Perhaps go right back to an age of enlightenment and live as a wise man (or woman) in ancient Greece. Maybe the obvious choice for some of us is to be swashbuckling pirates back in 1710 AD.
If you right click and open in a new tab on this--->World History You can have a look at different time periods and see what was happening in the world. (Click the little green arrows at the bottom of the page to go even further back or forwards in time)
My Scottish ancestors are descended from Vikings so for me I think I would quite like to go back to the period when they were exploring and expanding their territory, so about 900 AD. If I build small cannon and small firearms and showed the Blacksmiths how to fold and purify steel I really could set myself up as a king. Now I know we are not supposed to change history by interfering with the timeline but remember the Earth is going to be incinerated so go wild and do whatever the hell you like. Maybe the introduction of technology at an earlier point means in the future when the asteroid strikes, humans escape in spacecraft instead of getting burned to a crisp. (And my handsome face would be in all the school text books under the title of, Ahriman the mighty)
You can go back in time to any point in history but the technology will only transport you and some simple cotton clothing, so you cannot have pockets filled with modern things or guns and ammo, just you and the clothing.
What point in history do you travel too and what knowledge that you have would aid you?
This is the blog I knocked off the blogroll - WWE WrestleMania XXIX Discussion and Wrestlemania 29 Matches announced so far!!!
posted 03 Apr 2013, 03:37
A Considered Response To The BLOGS BLOGS BLOGS VS THE BLOG ROLL!... Thread▼105 comments
I intended to respond to Bubanee61548 's thread but it was closed before I had the chance so I am going to do so here, and what could be more appropriate than a blog that is about blogging. (You can click on the title to take you to the thread) I know this is a lot of text and I am sorry for that but some discussions require more than just a few words
I have spoken up on many occasions about how wrong I think it is for bloggers to be attacked and insulted and you can find my views on that all over the site, and they date back many months. We are a community of close people and I call many here my friends. So it upsets me greatly to see us turning on people simply because they have not yet learned what we know to be true, which is namely, you need to look at other peoples blogs before writing your own. Those of us who have the right to blog are often thought of by ordinary users here as a privileged elite, people who benefit from being a part of a small circle who all scratch each others backs. The behaviour of many of us recently has sadly done nothing to dispel that feeling and has in fact only strengthened it, But; I think you are wrong Bubanee61548
First of all getting rid of the blogroll because it is causing problems just makes no sense, you don't scrap something that is good because it has become outdated, you update it or replace it, but you don't just get rid of it. I know there are some here at the top (And I name no names) who think that KAT is a torrent site with a community. Well torrent sites are, even with the recent measures that are being taken against them, still two a penny. What makes this site special and really sets it apart (And is largely responsible for its growth) is the community and people don't come on line here and stay on line for the torrents, they do it because of the community. Blogs are a vital component of this community because they give many here a platform to speak and that platform, unlike a thread, will usually remain on the home page for many hours. In truth my blogs are not actually important because with the exception of just one of them, (And maybe now this one) they are just a bit of fun. I have read blogs though where people have poured out their hearts and where people have asked for help and they have been given the support they needed by a community that looks after its own. Blogs are often a way to connect and get to know people in a way that simply does not happen in threads because blogs are far less formal. (I know social groups fulfil that criteria but anyone can wander into a blog because they are not hidden away) Whether it is funny or informative or personal, a blog with real content can bring people together in a way that usually does not happen elsewhere on the site.
So why have things changed? It's mainly a numbers game and it was inevitable and some of us warned some months ago that it would happen if some basic rules were not implemented regarding blogs. We have far more people here now as a result of other sites closing and a hell of a lot of VUL's are being created, and some of them are gaining the position much more easily than was done in the past because they are uploaders of very small files. (I understand it's not all about VUL's but most of the bad blogs have in fact been written by them recently) Quite a lot of them are clearly very young and so are behaving in a somewhat immature way by creating blogs that are just a few lines in length, and they're not even bothering to look at other peoples blogs, (Because nobody on the face of the Earth is more self involved than a teenager) so they have no idea what is expected in a blog. People are using blogs to tell a joke or post three funny images and they are either knowingly or unknowingly metaphorically elbowing other bloggers in the face, many of whom have worked hard to create something with real content. (They are in short, spamming)
Now you say Bubanee61548 that everyone has the right to do whatever they want with their blog but you take no account whatsoever with that statement of the fact that blogs do not exist in isolation. There are only eight spaces on the blogroll and so every blog created has an impact on the other seven blogs. It's a bit like having eight people in a lift that only has space for eight people to stand and saying, "If some of you want to dance go right ahead."
This is not unfixable though and many very good suggestions have been put forward. I actually suggested just a short while ago that the blogroll be extended by removing the 'Latest Searches' section from the front page, this would extend the blogroll by ten slots. (Users could put it back if they wanted by going to their settings but it would be removed by default) That alone would insure that blogs were not pushed off after just a few hours. Latest searches is sometimes amusing but it serves no purpose beyond that really and most people never even bother to look at it. Secondly, the Blogging Netiquette (Blogging Guidelines) that Brad wrote as a result some months ago of discussions many of us had about the rising issues with blogs could be implemented, (with some minor modifications) as actual rules. Every person who gained the right to blog would be sent an automatic Pm with a link to a thread where the blogging guidelines were posted and they would be instructed to sign as read. Nobody would then be able to claim they did not know what they were doing was wrong if they broke the rules. Now I understand that the site owners do not want more rules implemented because they don't want to place too many restrictions on users, but do they want fighting and dissent and nonstop arguing? Because that is the future unless some action is taken. Places change and with more users here we need to adjust and evolve to keep up with the changing dynamic.
This brings me to my last point and perhaps the point that will be hardest for some to swallow. This is your fault Not you personally Bubanee61548 I am talking about all of the Staff and Admin. This is a pot that has been simmering for a long time now and you've all sat and watched it and now you're acting surprised that it's boiled over. The time for talking is long past and much more talking about this and we're all going to die of old age. (I do of course understand that you are all in an almost impossible position trying to keep everyone happy but sometimes you do more harm through inaction than you do by taking action that upsets a few)
We the Super Users and the VUL's and the Translators and the Users and even the Mods are looking to you guys at the top to take some action, because if you don't lead the flock, the flock will run wild on the hillside and the only people to blame for that will be the shepherds who are sitting there watching it happen.
Let's do what we do best and overcome our problems by working together, because it's cooperation that has made this a great site and it's cooperation that will keep it great.
This is the blog that was knocked off the blogroll - KickassTorrents Going Down From tomorrow due to technical issue
posted 01 Apr 2013, 19:43
Let's Get It On▼117 comments
I like to set the mood for a little romance of the horizontal kind with some wine, (Alcohol has been helping ugly people to get laid for more than two thousand years) and maybe some good food. Turn the lights down or even better light some candles and put on some soft music. Of course the overpowering and manly scent of my natural musk is enough to drive women (And frighteningly sometimes men and animals) wild with desire so I really don't need to set a mood, but I do it anyway because it makes me feel better when I'm alone I mean in company, and getting my freak on.
Over the centuries many claims have been made for aphrodisiacs and quite a few of them are just based on things that are a bit phallic like powdered Rhino horn. If you really want to check out things that are claimed to be aphrodisiacs then go into a Chinese herbalists shop because those guys have a 101 different things that they claim will help you. And that's ironic because you can't go two clicks on the internet without seeing super hot half naked Asian girls and you really don't need much more of an aphrodisiac than that! (I actually am turned on by the site of just about anyone naked and I don't care what country they come from. In fact I undress in the dark with my eyes shut when going to bed so I can't see myself, because I know I will just lose my shit otherwise and star ravaging myself)
In all seriousness I actually think there is nothing that is a bigger turn on than being in love, and that might sound old fashioned but what could possibly be hotter, than feeling the heartbeat of the person you think is your perfect mate, thudding against your chest.
Now this is going to be a two part question but you can answer either or both parts it's up to you. (And let's try as much as possible to keep it reasonably clean ladies and gentlemen)
What do you do to set the mood, do you perhaps put on some music and if so what music, maybe dim the lights or take the object of your desire out to dinner? Do you believe any aphrodisiacs actually work and if so what is it?
This is the blog that was knocked off the blogroll - Blog Spamming
posted 29 Mar 2013, 20:59
Today I will be asking the daily question for Lady Mas.▼58 comments
Questions Questions Questions
It's going to be a nice simple one today and I know what you are all thinking, "Yeah right Ahriman is going to ask us something simple and keep it short instead of making me read a page of text, like hell he is" You are of course right to be suspicious because I am a bad man and not to be trusted, but just this once you can take me at my word, it really is going to be very simple.
This is question 333 and these daily questions are now getting very near to being completed. On April 30th Lady Mas will ask her last ever question and who knows what it will be. She of course is a woman so her mind is a mystery and she is Swedish so she types her words in a strange almost impossible to read language called Swedeglish. We may not even be able to comprehend what she is asking us and it could be about what is the best sauce to go with whale ass, or why is it that electricity doesn't fall out of the little holes in wall sockets. We really have no way of predicting what that last question will be but one thing will be certain, it really will be a very sad day indeed and Lady Mas has done something that really is very hard to do. Three hundred and sixty five unique questions is a very tall order indeed and I am pretty sure I could not have done it.
So that brings us to today's question and this is a question that asks you to answer with a question of your own.
If you had done what Lady Mas has almost done and asked three hundred and sixty four questions here on KAT and you had just one more to go, what would you ask for your final question?
Remember just like Lady Mas you cannot ask a question that has already been asked, you can find previous blogs here if you want to check --> PiratMasBlogs (You see I told you I was a bad man, you didn't really think it would be simple did you
This is the question that was knocked off the blogroll - KICKASS...with style!
posted 19 Mar 2013, 20:14
The Thorn Chronicles: Lilly Part 2▼57 comments
For those of you just joining the adventure you can find part 1 of this epic story here (Which you will need to read to follow the story)
Those of you who have been following events will recall that the last part of our story ended with the beautiful Lilly, having her life tragically cut short as she was overwhelmed by disgusting zombies who were doing unspeakable things to her....now for part 2 of this Thorn Chronicles adventure.
An Encounter With An Old Foe
I saw Lilly go down as five hungry zombies bent over the spot where moments before she had been standing, and I knew that teeth and sharp nails were doing terrible things to my sweet angel who had a heart full of love, and a body made for sin. "Noo!" I cried, "Please god no no no! Why god why does it always have to be the hot ones? I dropped to my knees and raised my arms because you should never miss an opportunity to really ham things up, and that was when the miracle occurred. Like a phoenix rising from the flames Lilly erupted from beneath the undead horde and zombies were flung in all directions. Her clothes were torn and bite marks could clearly be seen on her arms and legs so I knew that she would turn into a zombie but for now at least she was still alive and fighting! I had no idea how it was even possible because no human should have been able to fight them all off like that! A zombie rushed her and she jumped eight feet straight up into the air and hung for just a moment before descending with her sword swinging down creating a flashing arc of silver steel. The blade bit into the top of the zombies head and kept on slicing all the way through the body until it came out through his crotch. The creature standing before her separated neatly down the middle and fell in two halves at her feet. She grinned at me and her eyes flashed with fire and she quickly went back to work on the zombies moving with deadly speed and astonishing grace. Determined not to be outdone I leapt up into the air as two rotting monstrosities rushed me, I hung suspended in the air and used my feet to repeatedly kick them in their stupid smelly faces. After about three seconds I dropped down to the ground and dispatched the creatures by punching all the way through their heads. I grinned over at Lilly and I could see she was impressed and who wouldn't be when seeing something so manly. One of my hands got stuck though and for the next few seconds I had to carry on fighting with my arm stuck through a zombies head. It spoiled the moment a little but Lilly was too busy fighting now to notice my predicament and eventually I found a moment to use my foot to dislodge my new and rather revolting man sized zombie bracelet.
It didn't take us long to clean up what was left of the undead scum suckers and soon we were alone and facing each other. "You fought like an angry gerbil Lilly" I said with a voice that trembled with emotion and admiration. "A really big really angry gerbil with a nice butt" I added. "You were pretty magnificent yourself Ahriman" she replied breathlessly. "I know I was; magnificence is a curse of mine. You've been bitten though Lilly and although you're super hot and I hate to do it you have now been infected and I just don't think I can make it work with a corpse. I know you might have heard things to the contrary but I swear I thought that last girl had a pulse, she looked so lifelike and I was a bit drunk at the time." She stepped towards me and I readied myself for what was about to come. Steel hard muscles bulged beneath my clothes and I knew that it would take just a moment to separate her pretty head from her shoulders and it would all be over. She was totally smoking though so maybe I could just spend a little time with her after she turned and who knows, maybe green would suit her. No no I must not think like that I told myself, I must be strong and end this now. "It's all right Ahriman I'm not infected, I can't be infected by zombie bites I'm a damphye, half human half vampire. I wanted to tell you before but didn't know how you would react" I looked at her for a moment and then took my hand away from the pommel of my sword and breathed a sigh of relief.
By the time we got back to my house her wounds had already healed and as we stood in the kitchen sipping our coco she asked me a question that made my blood run cold. "While we were fighting those zombies I saw out of the corner of my eye a wild eyed man with long hair and tattoos on his face slip out of a side door, do you think he was the one behind the attempted theft of the Methuselah nob?" The coco dropped from my hand and my favourite Chuck Norris mug shattered on the floor as my eyes widened in fear, "The Tongan" I whispered. "The Tongan? You know that man? And what the hell is a Tongan, is it some sort of a demon?" I looked her in the eyes and struggling to steady my voice told her the story of the only other student who had ever survived my training. I explained that Tonga was a small island in the south pacific and that back in 1878 I had lived there for a while and had taken a wife. (Several wives actually but I left out that detail to protect her because I didn't want to upset her delicate sensibilities) "We had a son" I told her, "and although he is now long since dead his great great grandson sought me out for training and he excelled as a student, but unfortunately he has chosen the path of evil."
"What the hell do you mean back in 1878, how is that even possible?" She asked me in disbelief. "And when you say he has chosen the path of evil you're talking about working in insurance aren't you?" "No not insurance Lilly and you are not the only one with curious parentage, my mother was a demoness and I have inherited some of her supernatural abilities, longevity being one of them." She regarded me for a moment and then said, "And I imagine your father was a clergyman or a soldier of fortune?" "No actually he was an inventor" I replied, "he invented the chicken pole. I know you have probably never heard of that invention before, but back then people used to have real fires in their homes and that meant chimneys that would fill with soot and would need to be cleaned. My father came up with the idea of poking a long pole into a chickens bottom and pushing the chicken up the chimney, the flapping wings would dislodge the soot and for a while his invention was very successful. Sadly though the bottom quite literally dropped out of the chicken resupply market and he died destitute and incontinent. I was raised in an orphanage run by super hot nuns."
"That's so sad" said Lilly sympathetically, "apart from the bit about the super hot nuns of course, that's quite lucky I suppose. What do you think this mad Tongan descendent of yours wants?" It was obvious to me that what he wanted was my destruction and that he thought the Methuselah schlong would be a weapon to use against me. I didn't want to alarm her though so I told her not to worry about him and that I would deal with him. I knew though that this would not be the last I would see of my arch nemesis, the Tongan. "If we have the Methuselah dick how is it that he had twenty zombies under his control?" She asked me. "Dark Tongan magic I'm afraid, but he can only raise a few zombies and control them for a short period of time, if he had got his hands on the Methuselah wiener he would have raised entire cemeteries and been unstoppable. We did good tonight Lilly and I think I might be just a little bit in love with you." She looked at me for a moment and then said, "Don't worry Ahriman that's quite normal, people fall in love with me all the time." "I know only too well what that's like Lilly." I replied. "Ordinary people have no idea what a burden it is to be attractive like us, but it's just something we have learned to live with and luckily mocking the less fortunate helps to lessen that burden."
Lilly went to take a shower and then went to bed and I stayed up brooding for a while drinking whisky in front of the fire as I do every night. (Mostly for effect but I found it enhanced my manliness as well) I spent a little time pondering some of life's great mysteries, why do I have nipples I wondered, giving one of them a little tweak. Glancing up at the chicken pole above the fireplace I realised that I would soon have to buy a chicken, the chimney was long overdue for a good clean and the old chicken pole had not been used since last winter.
The Great Passion
That night I went to Lilly's bedroom and just as I was about to knock on the door I heard a sound and pressing my ear to the door I listened and could clearly hear the sound of slurping. "Good grief!" I muttered under my breath, "I'm not even in there yet! Sounds like she has somehow managed to start without me." I knocked on the door and entered and obviously caught her by surprise because she looked startled and I saw her quickly try to hide a dead rabbit behind her back. "What on Earth are you doing with that rabbit?" I asked, "And why do you have blood on your lips?" Her eyes crossed for a second as she thought and then she said, "I found it" she pulled the rabbit from behind her back and started to stroke it. "Poor little bunny, he was hurt and I have been trying to give him mouth to mouth, that's where the blood came from." "It's alright Lilly" I said softly to her, "I know you need the blood and better you get it from my neighbour Mrs Billsburys rabbit Flufflykins than from me, I'll get her another rabbit tomorrow, I'm always having to replace her cats which keep on getting accidentally killed when I hit them with throwing stars." She opened the window and dropped the exsanguinated rabbit out of it and licking her lips she turned back to me and enquired, "It's quite late Ahriman and it's been a really long hard day, what can I help you with?"
I was going to tell her I needed to check the plumbing in her room but I decided to just tell her the truth, and as that was something I had never tried with a woman before thought it was as likely to work as any other tactic. "I have come to woo you Lilly. I'm a pretty ordinary well muscled square jawed hero type so a goddess such as yourself might not think I have much to offer but your wrong Lilly, very wrong." I took out the CD I had in my pocket and put it in the CD player that was on the side and hit the play button. In my eagerness to get into her room I had also forgotten to bring my hairbrush that I liked to use as my pretend microphone when singing along to songs, so I reached down to my ankle and unsheathed my favourite knife, Gladys. Pointing the eleven inch blade down I put my lips to the end of the handle and struck a pose and said, "Prepare to be moistened as I woo you with song......mimed song."
The song started (Click here and open in a new tab to listen while reading on) and I started to move to the music in a way that I knew was sure to drive her crazy with desire. Losing myself to the music as I so often do I soon forgot that I was supposed to be miming and started to sing quite loudly. It really didn't matter though because my voice was a finely tuned instrument and I knew I was easily singing the Billy Ocean song better than the original artist could. I hit a high note and several bats that had been flying around outside crashed into the window, then some dogs in the village started to bark as I hit a frequency beyond the ability of human hearing. Thrusting my crotch suggestively towards her as she sat on the edge of the bed I could see she was starting to lose control of her senses and would soon be upon me, time for a big finish I thought. In one quick movement I tore open my shirt. One of the buttons flew through the air and she impressed me by snapping it out of the air with her teeth as it passed close to her head. She spat it on the floor and growled and I knew there was only one way to close the deal now. Running towards her I suddenly dropped to my knees the way I do in the pub on Karaoke night, but unlike the shiny smooth parquetry flooring of the pub I came into contact with the thick carpet of the bedroom. Leaning back with shirt trailing behind me I slid for about three feet with my knees on fire from the friction, and then I stopped very suddenly indeed. The abrupt stop whipped my head forwards and my face hit the floor with enough force to rattle my teeth. Waking five minutes later still kneeling and with my head stuck to the carpet with drool I wondered if perhaps I had missed my chance. I picked myself up and saw she was already in the bed and snoring softly so I kicked the bed to wake her. Even with my less than perfect finish we were about to have a night of unbridled passion, she'd earned it I figured.
Three and a half minutes later we lay on our backs breathing heavily and she turned to me and said, "Oh Ahriman that was amazing.....both times." "I know it was my super hot Swedish meatball, we fit together like a piece of finely crafted IKEA furniture. I think because you are so unbelievably flexible and you were able to handle the Thorn Manoeuvre, we might actually be able to attempt the nine elbows, it's never been done before without fatalities but I am sure we can pull it off." I made the phone call and twenty minutes later two young women and a man with one arm came to the house. An hour later with a badly dislocated shoulder I lay back in bed and bid farewell to Mercedes, Tiffany and Bernard. The move I had designed and only dreamed might be possible had became a reality. Lilly really was the one it seemed and I would never let her go.
The following morning we shared coffee and then Lilly with a face once again covered in coffee powder turned to me and gave me the news that would break my huge five chambered heart. "I have to return home Ahriman, zombie Vikings have been rising from graves and attacking poor innocent Swedish families and I'm needed, and to be perfectly honest I'm really missing the taste of whale ass. Although your cooking is not bad it's just not fishy enough or stinky enough to be good Swedish food." (Damphye's need blood and human food) I couldn't believe she was dropping this bombshell on me and as she kissed me lightly on the cheek and rode away on her motorbike, a single tear rolled down my handsome face and dripped of the end of my chin where it burned with blue flame in the grass at my feet. Going back into the house I knew there was only one way to really deal with my loss. I switched on the computer and found the song I needed and hit play. Picking up my hairbrush I started to sing as the sound of Billy Ocean attempting to keep up with my golden voice rang through the now empty house. I knew Billy had written this song just for me and Lilly, and although the only part of the lyrics that were true for us was the title it really is the case Lilly, Love Really Hurts Without You
I walked out into the back garden the following day with a throat still raw from the previous nights impromptu Karaoke session and eyes sore from manly tears. Stepping between the graves of all my former students I stopped in front of one gravestone that I had drunkenly misspelled when carving it. It should have said Melvin Peach but I had carved the name of the pudding, Peach Melba instead. I knew Peachy would forgive me though and although he had not been a very good student he was a good friend. Right now I needed him and so taking the Methuselah wanger from my back pocket I waved it over his grave and mumbled something in flawless Latin, or possibly Yiddish. I was pretty sure it wouldn't matter what language I used because my heart was pure and my intent noble. I really needed him to cook me a nice apple crumble to make me feel better, and although another one of my students was a much better cook, Melvin with his penchant for sycophancy was the friend I needed right now. With a man as self assured and responsible as me in control what could possibly go wrong.
This is the blog that was knocked off the blogroll Bataan
posted 18 Mar 2013, 19:21
The Thorn Chronicles: Lilly▼47 comments
Those of you who have read my previous blogs will know that I sometimes take in students who wish to train to be hunters of the supernatural scum suckers that live amongst us but who remain hidden in the shadows. If you are not familiar with these riveting stories of heroism and astonishing tales of perfectly baked sponges you should click here and have a read of the previous Thorn Chronicles. (Not for the faint of heart though so if you are of a weak disposition do not click and ladies who are given to swooning should avoid at all costs)
Most of my students are to be honest a bit of a disappointment to me and although I am capable of doing remarkable things a potter is only as good as the clay he has to work with. The clay I usually worked with could only ever be fashioned into something that a five year old child might bring home from school that you would accidentally drop and then run over several times to prevent having to display in your home. (It really is astonishing how I am able to balance such potent masculinity with such a strong paternal and nurturing instinct)
The day that Lilly arrived though would change my life forever.
The New Student
I knew a student would be arriving and had made all of the usual preparations. Valuables had been hidden and the concealed cameras in the shower and spare bedroom had been switched on. I waited expectantly knowing that for the first time ever it would be a female student and when finally boredom set in after it appeared that she would be more than ten minutes late, I amused myself by crocheting a pair of woolly pyjamas.
I had all but given up hope as the sun started to sink beneath the horizon but then I heard the rumble of an engine and saw a shadowy figure pull up on a large motorbike outside. (We hunters always use bikes because we can go off road and they make us look really cool)
Dressed all in skin tight black leathers I could not help but notice my new student was very shapely indeed. I opened the door to her and waited for her to remove the skid lid. (Crash helmet to you owners of vehicles with two wheels too many) I was sure I would be disappointed and was certain I would be confronted by a face that would look like a bulldog licking piss off a stinging nettle.
Delicate hands were revealed as she took off her gloves and with a click the chin strap was released and she pulled off the helmet. “Flurbagurble!” I said incoherently. Long raven black hair as smooth as silk tumbled over her shoulders and she regarded me solemnly with large dark almond shaped eyes set in a face with high cheek bones, underscoring all that perfection was a mouth that was full and sensuous.
Clearing my throat I held out a hand and introduced myself while pushing out my chest and lowering my voice several octaves. “Ahriman Thorn at your service my lady” She took my hand and as she did so a spark of electricity arced between our fingertips. “Hello Mr Thorn, I’m Lilly.” “That’s an odd accent you have there Lilly, are you Canadian?” She smiled and tried to pull her hand from mine but I held on firmly because I knew that was what she really wanted. “No” she replied, “I’m Swedish.” “Oh I see” I said knowingly “aren’t we all Lilly, aren’t we all” She pulled a little harder to free her hand and knowing that this was all a form of foreplay I held on a little tighter. “I don’t know what that means Mr Thorn?” She caught me by surprise with that because people don’t usually take any notice of what I am saying for some reason and without thinking , I let go of her hand, well played Lilly I thought, well played, you win round one. “Err no actually I don’t really know what I mean either to be perfectly honest. Let me show you to your room.”
She put her bag down on the bed and took off a sword that I had not noticed had been strapped to her back. I gasped as I recognised the work to be that of Yoshindo Yoshihara. “You like to use a sword I see?” “Yes” she replied with a slight smile, “I like to get up close so I can look into their eyes as it slides in” I nodded enthusiastically, “Yes yes I like to be up close as I slide in a full length as well! Are you going to be alright in here on your own Lilly? If you like I could stay a while to keep you company and we could have a few drinks and maybe a game of tiddlywinks, and then later I could show you the rather impressive weapon I like to use when I'm up close” She raised one of her delicate eyebrows and said “No thank you Mr Thorn I'm a little tired and will see you tomorrow, oh could you remove the camera before you leave.”
After taking the camera from behind the two way mirror I decided for no real reason at all to go for a fourteen mile run and then take a seventy minute cold shower before turning in for the night myself.
The following day I greeted her as she came down the stairs, “Goedemorgen mijn klein stukje van de strudel.” She looked puzzled and cocked her head slightly on its side which I found to be quite cute and the moment the word cute came to mind I shuddered in horror and swore silently to myself to never allow the word to enter my mind again. “I'm afraid I have no idea what you just said to me Mr Thorn, I’m Swedish.” “Oh” I replied disappointedly. “I thought because you were foreign you would just understand me when I spoke in another language” She regarded me for a moment with those big brown eyes and the motes of dust in the air between us seemed to freeze for a moment before she spoke again. “No Mr Thorn it doesn’t work like that, you actually have to use the right language, they are not all interchangeable.” “Hmm well if you say so.” I replied knowing full well that she was talking nonsense, I knew there were two languages in the world, English and foreign, but decided not to correct her.
We had coffee and I impressed her by hand crushing the beans in front of her and then with a flourish I blew the coffee powder from my palm. Quite a lot of it stuck to her face and she appeared to have two large pale circles round her eyes which gave her a rather comical look and made her appear a little like a panda. She had no idea that her face was covered in powdered coffee and I saw no reason to embarrass the poor girl by telling her.
We went out into the garden and I handed her a throwing star and asked her if she could hit the wooden log set up as a target. I never even saw her hand move, (I was looking at her bum though and would later that night compose a sonnet about it) but I heard the thud as the star buried itself so deeply into the wood that it was irretrievable. I berated her for being so clumsy and for losing Ringo because he had always been my favourite but I handed her John, Paul and George anyway just to see what she would do. Sure enough they all followed the first Beatle and I squinted suspiciously at her, something was amiss but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.
I decided it was time to take her out into the field to really see what she was made of and thought it would save money if I left my bike at home and sat behind her on her bike. “You don’t need to hold onto those” she said moving my hands and I reluctantly lowered them down to her waist. “What is that I can feel?” she inquired suspiciously. “What?” “That thing that’s poking against me?” “Oh it must be my blade Lilly, don’t worry about it, just lean forward a bit more and arch your back or you won’t have full control of the bike.”
We reached the place I had directed her to and she turned off the engine and I reluctantly and very slowly got off the bike and quickly took off my skid lid and held it in front of myself. Without thinking I put my hands on my hips and said “Welcome to a little place I like to call hell” Her eyes opened wide and she pointed at the skid lid that appeared to be magically suspended in front of me. “Oh this, it’s err, it’s my patented helmet belt holder and one day it is going to make me very rich indeed” “Oh I see” she replied breathing a sigh of relief “So why do you call this place hell? It looks quite peaceful.” I regarded the rambling old 17th century manor house that we had pulled up in front of at the end of the half kilometre long driveway and said, “I know it does seem peaceful doesn’t it, but within these walls lies madness.” At that moment the large ornately carved double door opened and I said, “and right on queue here comes madness.” From out of the dimly lit interior a tall young man dressed immaculately in the traditional garments of a butler stepped forward and I said, “Oh you’re not madness....I mean you’re not Sir Percival Fothrington!” I was regarded for a moment by the butler and then he said with the air of disdain that those who buttle are bred for, “Indeed I am not sir, you are to be commended for your perceptual acumen. I am afraid his Lordship is presently engaged at the moment and is not receiving guests.” There came from within the loud retort from two barrels of a shotgun I knew to be called Melanie and I said, “He’s trying to shoot mice in the library again isn’t he?” The young man raised an eyebrow and said as he indicated that we should come in, “Ah, I see you are familiar with his Lordship, perhaps you can distract him from his murderous pursuit of vermin for a while so that I might have a chance to save the manuscript section from further shot damage. I am Barnalby sir; might I relieve you and your lady friend of your jackets and take you to his Lordship?” I handed our jackets to him and said incredulously, “Barnalby! You look incredibly well I have to say, when last I saw you, you were at least eighty five years old and if I might say, somewhat desiccated in appearance, you must tell me what the secret is, it’s Yams and pickled eggs isn’t it?” “Ah no sir” said the butler as he led us down a long hallway towards the sound of further gunfire, “I am not actually the Barnalby you knew, my name is actually Spencer but his Lordship insists that I take the name of his crumbling former retainer in order to demonstrate the necessary respect he feels is due to the order of things” “Hmm yes that seems reasonable” I agreed “and I recall now that Barnalby was actually a woman.”
Lord Fothrington viewed my student with suspicion from the other side of the desk. He brought out the large leather bound volume that held his family's records of ancient artefacts that had been taken from the great library of Alexandria on the night the library had burned all those centuries ago. “Are you sure we can trust this,” he waved a hand in Lilly’s direction while searching for the right word, “gal” he finished. His bushy eyebrows knitting together in consternation as he peered at her with suspicion. “Yes, yes quite sure Percy, you can see how attractive she is so of course we can trust her.” “Well if you say so Thorny if you say so, I don’t really know about these sorts of things because I no longer diddle with the Filly's.” “Oh surely you still diddle occasionally!” I exclaimed in disbelief. "No, no Thorny, the last time I diddled was back in forty three” He turned some pages and then seemed to find what he was looking for. “Ah here we are. The bone of Methuselah. This bone is said to have once belonged to the oldest man who ever lived. It was said that god gave him the gift of longevity and that anyone who owns this final piece of his remains can use it to raise the dead. Imagine it Thorny, a zombie army! I am sending you and your friend here to retrieve the bone from the natural history museum in London where I believe an imminent attempt is going to be made to steal it.” “We're going to steal it though aren’t we?” I asked. “Well yes” he replied, “We are going to steal it but we aren’t going to use it to raise an undead army are we!” “No, no probably not.” I replied nodding, while thinking about the undead army I was going to raise.
As we started to leave I saw Lord Fothrington take Lilly to one side for a moment and speak to her and couldn’t help but smile, I knew he still diddled I thought to myself.
“Does he know you’re a damphyr?” Asked the old man as he put a restraining hand on Lilly’s arm. “How did you know?” She asked incredulously. “Oh when you have been around as many supernatural entities as I have you can spot a half human half vampire a mile away.” “I promise I won’t try to hurt him” Lilly replied earnestly. “Oh it’s not you hurting him I am worried about young lady, no not at all. I am just worried what he might do to you when he finds out. He's not just a ruggedly handsome slayer of zombies you know. He's killed vampires and werewolves and even a basilisk once, just be careful with him because he is not a man to be trifled with, or jellied with for that matter.” “I will be careful” she replied and ran lithely down the hallway to catch up with Ahriman who was waiting for her beside the bike. “It’s probably inevitable that he will try to diddle with you I should think” Muttered the old man as he closed the door and took Melanie from Barnalbys reluctant hands.
An Encounter With An Old Foe
The museum was dark as we slid down the ropes from the windows above into the antiquities section. Bypassing the many alarms had taken skill and ingenuity and I think I had quite impressed Lilly with my ability to disable delicate technology by hitting it repeatedly with a big hammer.
I had examined floor plans and memorised them and after a few false starts that took us first to the dinosaur exhibits, and then to the gift shop where I found a really nice paperweight with a fossil in it, I got my bearings and we found the case that contained the Methuselah bone. I cut out a circle of glass and reached in and took the bone and holding it aloft I cried "Behold, the Methuselah bone!" It was very dramatic and I knew Lilly's heart would be pounding with excitement because I cut quite a dashing figure when striking a pose. I lowered my arm and examined the bone closely and even gave it a little lick to see if it had any flavour. "What bone in the body do you think is ten inches long and slightly shrivelled looking?" I asked Lilly. "Well" she said, "I don't have any medical training but if I was going to hazard a guess I would say it's the remains of his penis" "Oh" I replied, "Let's keep the whole licking thing between ourselves shall we."
Suddenly the glass above us exploded as twenty zombies dropped down from the skylight above! I was as always magnificent and had for once actually brought a hand gun with me. I so rarely use firearms preferring instead to use a blade but thought it would make me look cool if I had one and now I was very glad of it indeed. I dispensed hot lead death to the melon munchers around me and thoroughly enjoyed watching their own rotting melons disappearing in dusty little explosions. Lilly was amazing as well and she fought with a speed and savagery that I had never seen before and I knew that she was the girl for me. Suddenly though they were all around her and she disappeared as five zombies pushed her down and I heard her scream, and I knew with a dreadful certainty that chilled me to my core that she could not possibly survive! Six zombies advanced on me preventing me from reaching her and I knew that it was all over for both of us......to be continued.
Here ends part 1 of this epic two part story. Part 2 tomorrow.
This is the blog that was knocked off the blogroll A philosopher's ethical description of the abuse of MB vs mb and why it is unethical:
posted 02 Mar 2013, 22:18
The Final Song▼126 comments
I will be covering for lady Mas this evening.
This will be a short one tonight from me which I am sure many of you will be relieved about.
It's tough when someone asks you to pick your favourite songs and it doesn't matter if it's three or ten or even fifty, because most of us when we start going through our music realise that over the years we have accumulated a lot of stuff we like. I have about sixty gigs of music on my computer and given that most of them are MP3's rather than FLAC's, (FLAC's suck for ID tagging and are far too large) means that I have many thousands of individual tracks. While they are not all favourites because I have a lot of albums that I might perhaps only like two or three songs on the album, there are way more than fifty or even a hundred tracks that I absolutely love.
Now most days you never need to worry about actually picking out a small selection of tracks because in the real world you are never going to be limited like that. I have to pick out tracks to create playlists on my MP3 player but I have 8 gig of space on it so I am hardly limited. When you get married you have to pick one song to play as you have the first dance with your new wife or husband, but that choice is something that is not yours alone. There is one time though when perhaps a single song or piece of music is picked and that is the final song. That song that plays at journeys end when your friends and family gather to say goodbye to you.
Unless you have written a will and stipulated that you want a particular song played it will probably be picked for you by your partner or a family member, and it will be something they knew you liked.
If you have ever thought about this before then in all probability your choice will have changed over the years and will change again. But right now, I want to know if you could pick a single song or piece of music to be played at your funeral what would it be? Monty pythons Always look on the bright side of life is a firm favourite at funerals but it's not what I would choose. My choice will probably change many more times but for some years it has been this one.
Elizabeth Fraser - Song to the Siren
What is the song or piece of music you wish to be played to send you on your final journey?
Many of the songs suggested in this blog have now been compiled by SirSeedsAlot52741 and turned into a really phenomenal album which he has uploaded and you can get here.
posted 25 Feb 2013, 20:57
The Movies We Would Make▼82 comments
It's that time of the year again when awards are given out in the entertainment industry and this year we've had a selection of unbelievably long and dreary films getting awards. It's hard to say exactly what it is in the minds of those who pick the winners that guides their choices, but one can only assume there is probably quite a lot of senility and dementia affecting their decision making.
Sometimes (And by sometimes, I mean daily) I like to imagine that I am making a movie using a story and script I have written myself. Obviously I would play the lead role and would also direct because I just couldn't trust anyone else to do the job properly. In my historical romantic drama, (I'm British, this is sort of what we do) I play the dashing Lord Thorn who rescues the beautiful young girl from a life of gray drudgery in the kitchens and transforms her into the graceful and also deadly assassin Clarissa Thorn. (I marry her of course) We spend the rest of the film adventuring together and generally being awesome. As the film goes on her impressive décolletage is squeezed into a smaller and smaller bodice and my trousers gradually are made to get tighter and tighter and my boots shinier and shinier.
In one of my other films I am the irascible pilot of the deep space exploration ship called the Eon Hawk. (Which is completely original and is not at all ripping off anything from Star Wars) I rescue the beautiful alien slave girl Variah who later becomes my bond mate Variah Thorn. (Like a wife but with an alien twist) Again her skin tight leather costume gradually gets more and more revealing and my tight leather trousers get tighter and tighter as we move from one amazing adventure to another.
My final idea for a film involves me playing myself and is based on my blogs, (The ones called the Thorn Chronicles) I hunt all manner of foul creatures (Though I specialise in zombies) and after a number of unfortunate fatal accidents with students (Readers of those blogs will be familiar with such tragedies) I eventually meet the beautiful huntress Lilith who....well I am sure you can guess how it goes by now. (And she will feature in a future one of my Thorn Chronicles so I don't want to give too much away) Needless to say, high adventure and tight clothing feature strongly.
Of course every film needs a title and for my first film I have the working title of "Wuthering Thorn and Prejudice" My second film would be titled "The Adventures of Ahriman Throb Heart on the Planet of Hot Slave Girls" The final film is simply titled "Lilly: The Thorn Chronicles" and is probably the film I will win multiple Oscars for.
It goes without saying that I will sleep with all of my leading ladies and probably the supporting actresses as well, I don't want them to feel as though they are not appreciated simply because they have less talent. Now I am sure most of you at some point have imagined that you could do a better job as an actor when you have watched the diminutive Tom Cruise mincing across the screen in his platform shoes, or been enthralled as Daniel Day Lewis with a voice trembling with passion delivers another moving and not at all hammy speech. Maybe you have dreamed of being the lead actress and of staring opposite a handsome lead actor like me, and giving a performance that is both heart breakingly tragic and moving, while simultaneously being strong and empowering. So now's your chance to share just what it is that you feel you could offer up that would be a little less dull than the films we have had this year. Films that have been so monumentally turgid they've made me want to chew off my own face just so I can escape from them.
You get to write and star in your own film, what is it about and what will it be called?
This is the blog that was knocked of the blogroll - Question 300
posted 21 Feb 2013, 20:46
Strange Thoughts▼87 comments
When I was a kid, I like all kids had some rather strange ideas about how things worked. I grew up in the country so from a very early age indeed I knew about life and death. Before I was even five years old I had seen puppy's and kittens being born and I had seen dead things out in the countryside. (Birds, rabbits, frogs usual sort of stuff you come across while out walking with dogs)
Now knowing just a little about how the world works as a child meant that I like all people had to try to fill in the gaps in my knowledge with some of my own reasoning. I was already pestering my mother with about a million questions about the world every single day so some things you don't ask about, you just make an assumption.
One of the things I made an assumption about was milk. Now I knew that lady cows and lady dogs and cats all produced milk. (using a Child's language here, although I did actually at only five years of age know that a female dog was called a bitch. That's right folks, at five years old I was saying "bitch" which you have to admit, is pretty damn badass of me)
In short I knew that ladies had milk in them. While I may have seen partially eaten animals out in the countryside the back legs of a dead rabbit left by a fox is no substitution for a knowledge of basic biology. I actually thought that if a magician cut a lady up and the trick went wrong gallons and gallons of milk would pour out of her! I thought people were hollow and woman were full of milk. I have no idea what I thought men were full of but I knew it must be something else because I knew that males didn't feed their young the way ladies did. (I now know of course that I am full of awesome, but I still have no idea what other men are full of, something a bit yucky I imagine)
Now that I am a grown man though and know a lot more about how the world works I understand what a strange and slightly surreal thought that was that I had. I know now that woman are not more squishy than men because they are full of milk. (Obviously there is something else in the legs and arms and head and the milk is only from the waist up to the neck)
What strange thoughts did you or someone you knew, have about the world when you were a child?
This is the blog that was pushed off the bottom of the blogroll - 15 Great thoughts by Chanakya