posted 29 Jul 2012, 19:36
A little while ago I admitted that I that I had never introduced myself when I joined the site and the suggestion was made that I should do so. Now given that I have been a member here for almost a year an introduction would seem to be not only a little overdue, but also actually pretty unnecessary.
So always a fan of the unnecessary I am going to go right ahead and introduce myself.
I am AhrimanThorn.
It would be immodest of me to spend the next few minutes telling you all how great I am so I am going to let the testimonials of others do that for me. These following statements are all completely true and to prove it everyone who made a statement was made by me to say “I cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye.” And let me tell you good people of KAT; when they uttered those words I looked into their eyes, and what I saw there was truth, tinged with fear and admiration.
“Ahriman might just be the greatest man on Earth” said Jean Bradshaw, married mother of two from Basingstoke. “I wanted children but worried that my husband John might not be able to provide the best genetic material. Ahriman was a godsend and did all the work with an enthusiasm and level of expertise I would never have known was humanly possible. He was both gentle and masterly at the same time, and even after all these years the slight tremble in my legs has not subsided. The twins are only six but little Ahrimina already shows promise of being a world class gymnast, and her sister Thornetta is doing well at university studying law. Thank you Ahriman, John and I are so grateful.”
“My boy was always getting into fights” says Stuart Hargreaves, single father from Manchester. “He was so feared by the police that the last time he started a fight in the pub the army were called. I thought Wayne would end up in prison, or even worse working in insurance, and then Ahriman entered our lives. Wayne tried to mug him apparently and Ahriman took the knife from him and with a great deal of love beat my boy to within an inch of his life. He then told him that he would train him in both mind and body, and with the introduction of some simple meditational techniques and a strict diet of yams and pickled eggs, my boy’s life has been turned around. Wayne is probably going to be the next MMA world champion and he has become the sweetest natured boy you could ever wish to meet. I can never really thank Ahriman enough and in my eyes the man can do no wrong.”
“It was just a lap dance” said Crystal Dean, eighteen from Las Vegas. “It was a usual Friday night here at the Bucking Bronco and the place was pretty full. When he walked in just as the music started playing Sweet Child O’ Mine all the girls here that night could feel the electricity in the air. For some reason I was the lucky girl he approached and I could see from the way he walked towards me he must be some kind of a dancer, because he just seemed so graceful you know? I found myself wanting to do things I have never done before and it didn’t seem to matter how many dollar bills I pushed into the top of his jeans, he just kept telling me that I had a different path to follow. I don’t know how I knew this though because he never spoke, he just seemed to say it all with those big beautiful eyes; I think it must have been some sort of telepathy. I know that sounds crazy but my friend Lexis said her brother Chad was abducted by aliens, and when he came back he was able to hear people’s thoughts because of what they did to his butt. I work part time in Uganda now for the Thorn Foundation, building kitten orphanages. I would marry him if he would have me but I know he still has important work to do, god bless you Ahriman, you saved my life, and made me a better person too”
I hope these moving testimonials have told you a little bit about me and have helped you all to feel a bit closer to me. (I have enough love for all of you) I am a bit nervous of meeting new people so I need you all to be gentle with me when you welcome me to KAT. I hope now as well that people will start to see me as more than just a guy with great cheek bones and thick hair, yes I have firm buns but I am much more than that and this has been my way of letting you all get a little glimpse of the man behind the words.
Here is a picture of me about to do what I do best, fighting zombies and generally being awesome. Those of you who know me already know that I have a rare monochromel condition that means I am always in black and white. This one off piece of film has been painstakingly hand coloured by three blind nuns, treasure it, because you will probably never see me in colour again.
I know there will be some here who do not already know what I look like and you might doubt that it really is me in the picture because on a couple of occasions in the past I may have ever so slightly bent the truth, and so to prove that it really is me you can click here and see another picture of me in the Mugshot thread. If you have children, show this picture of me about to fight a horde of melon munching zombie scum suckers to them and say “That’s AhrimanThorn, I know him” they won’t believe you actually do know me of course but they will insist you print it out so they can have it on their bedroom walls. I am AhrimanThorn, and I am glad to be here and to meet you all, please be gentle, I am quite shy.