Darius19542319

The Rep Points System Explained
posted 27 Jul 2012, 17:32

Dear Friends and fellow KAT lovers...today we are going to examine the KickAss rep points system, as there seems to be a bit of confusion. Those of you who have read my blog "The Matrix System Explained" know that there is no individual in the world who is more capable of shining the light of truth on otherwise murky topics. Let us proceed:

The rep point system is sort of a KickAss community legal tender. Rep points are awarded to users for performing tasks such as notifying the staff of spammers, uploading torrents, posting threads and blogs, fixing sandwiches for the Official KAT Troll or posting pictures of topless women on his wall. In this way rep points are very much like the currency of countries...such as Great Britain's pound shirley, Australia's quid koala, or actual real money like the American dollar. Now, many users are under the mistaken impression that once these rep points have been awarded to them, they now own them. Nothing could be further from the truth and I find such childlike innocence adorable. When your boss hands you your paycheck, do you now own that? Of course not! If you believe that, then you are as crazy as an assault rifle owner at a Batman premier. Like KAT staff, the government can rip your puny paycheck out of your trembling fingers with no due process what so ever. Don't believe me? Try being late on your taxes. Try being late on your child support payments. They will snatch your check so fast they'll make a whooshing noise as they fly by. KAT is very much like the government...as far they are concerned, you are ALWAYS late on your taxes and ALWAYS late on your child support payments. This is true even if you are paid YEARS ahead on your taxes and have NO children...even if in fact you are incapable of having children as you have been rendered sterile because of the HOURS you have spent in front of the computer on the KAT website, identifying spammers, uploading torrents, posting pictures of topless women on the Official KAT Troll's wall, etc. All is not bleak, however...KAT staff doesn't just keep your rep points. They are donated in your name to worthy causes such as the Crotchless Panties For Needy Prostitutes Foundation, The No Child Left Behind Sweatshop Foundation, and the Sandwich and Porn for Trolls league. A percentage also goes to the person who actually takes your rep points away from you. What? They're supposed to work for free?? So, please get back to work earning rep points...we cannot take them away from you if you don't have any to take.
I hope this clarifies any and all issues regarding the rep points system. There is no need to thank me...this blog is going to earn me a SHITLOAD of rep points!

You know - there are many people that say they were there at the beginning - but I have to say we were a closed bunch of friends, aXXo, Delphi, theProphet et al - but all of those guys came later, much later, in the generation you know now.

I started off way back with the bulletin boards - when Microsoft was still swapping ideas with AMD etc... With regards to RAM matrices etc.

I love the world as we have it - there are great sites like TPB, KickAss, ET etc - but before that were great sites like Vikings and KittensKonkers through the p2p protocol. Before all of those pervs started taking over LimeWire.

This is really to say that, the original BB's and p2p sites really gave you guys everything you have now - there wasn't this 'facebook' style of chatting whilst sharing - and unless you gave your fixed line telephone number to a girl/boy, (we didn't have affordable mobile phones then), there really was no chance whatsoever to meet up with your web hotty in another country.

And PLUS - it was better then - there were fewer of us - so flaming didn't exist, (unless you wanted a knock at the door LMAO).

So just saying - when you have it good - don' upset the neighbours/locals - take the freebie - and respect the ones that do all of the work - (I'm not talking mods - they come and go - and are usually younger than you, (18 hours a day on the internet - they don't live in the real world - students, has beens, pot heads and alchoholics).

But always respect the file - you download it - seed it - that's all ;)


Take care of you and yours and have fun and enjoy !

prodprof

Greetings, gentle readers and welcome to another installment of our series on Ahriman Thorn, the man, the myth, the legend. In this installment we will be concentrating more on Thorn’s unrelenting war on zombies. Please be advised that in this installment, mysteries will be revealed and there will be VERY bad news for many.
Ahriman Thorn was born in Great Britain, a tiny village located high in the Egyptian Alps. (We Americans are widely considered to be this planet’s most knowledgeable experts in global geography. Nearly half of us can actually locate our own country on a map or globe.) As a boy, he often roamed the woods hunting mogwars, a small but extremely vicious creature, whose fur was prized for making hats and genital warmers by the people of his village. One morning, while on a hunt, he was set upon by a particularly nasty pack of saber-toothed wolves. A protracted battle ensued, punctuated by the growls and yelps of the pack as Thorn dispatched them back to the bowels of Hell which had disgorged them. As he lay exhausted in the snow-covered forest, he was discovered by a group of sherpas who, having witnessed the last few minutes of the battle, realized that they had discovered the boy whose arrival was foretold by legend. Raising him to their shoulders, he was carried to the temple of Won Hung Lo, a local holy man whose fighting skill was as legendary as his deformed genitalia. (So, among his many other firsts, such as curing cancer and perfecting cold fusion, he was also the first child whose picture appeared on a milk carton.) Thus began his training which resulted in Ahriman Thorn becoming the greatest fighting machine in the history of all mankind. So skilled is he, that he is one of the very few human beings to survive a trip to Australia. (For more details on this extremely deadly continent, please see my blog entitled “Things in Australia That Will Kill You” at https://kat.ph/blog/Darius1954/post/3774/
From there, Ahriman Thorn returned to Great Britain where, after serving his country the military, was recruited by an assortment of those “M” organizations, such MI5, MI6 and any all other numbers that they may have in an effort to copy the American’s ACTUAL intelligence organizations such as the CIA. He was eventually promoted to an “M” place which was so top secret that he was it’s only member. It was here that he was awarded Great Britain’s highest award, the Queen’s Vaginal Cross with Dangling Bollocks. However, because he was the only member of this particular “M” office, he was the only person in attendance, having to read the commendation to himself and pin the medal to his own bulging, manly chest and then make his own deafening applause.
Having single-handedly destroyed all threats to Great Britain, Thorn travelled to America, where numerous reports of zombie activity were making the news. Now, I, Darius1954, (who, by the way, this blog is NOT about) am widely considered to be the leading authority on nearly every topic, do not know HOW the zombie virus came into being or how it was released. I don’t have to know all there is to know about zombies….my life doesn’t depend on it. Ahriman Thorn’s does. There is also the question of security clearance….Ahriman Thorn has the highest security clearance on the planet….mine is a little shakier, since that misunderstanding about my having traded military secrets to the Soviets during the Cold War in return for some VERY rare and hard to get Czech gay midget rodeo clown porn and some Polish sausage sandwiches…as I said…all of it a HUGE misunderstanding. Anyway, HOW it got started doesn’t really matter. The fact that it is spreading rapidly through America, however, DOES matter.
Now, at this point, I have to explain the geo-political landscape of America. About 50 years ago, America was the leading manufacturing nation in the world. Today, America produces nothing except REALLY bad television programs and morbidly obese children. Our government is a wholly-owned subsidiary of large corporations, which in turn are a wholly-owned subsidiary of China, who supplies all of our money so that we can buy what THEY manufacture. We have gone from being the largest manufacturing nation to the largest consuming nation in less than half a century. Now, needless to say, this zombie outbreak has all of these entities in quite a panic. You see, zombies only consume people, which are pretty much free. The government needed to know just how bad the zombie outbreak was…how many Americans had the virus. So, they turned to the only man who could answer this question…Ahriman Thorn. His answer would prove to be cataclysmic.
Thorn was faced with a dilemma…how do you test millions of people for the zombie virus? His answer was brilliant. Ahriman Thorn invented the Trifecta of Total Stupidity, or TOTS, as I like to call it. More on this later.
Now, to zombies. There are many kinds…the Romero-type slow moving zombies…the “We Are Legion” fast-moving zombies…the superhuman “Resident Evil” type zombies, etc. Some humans turn quickly when infected, others more slowly. If you have any specific questions about particular zombies, I suggest asking Ahriman Thorn….he has probably forgotten more about zombies then I will ever know. And again, I, Darius1954 (whom this blog is NOT about, for those of you scoring at home) am widely considered to be the leading authority on nearly every subject imaginable.
Now, what I DO know is this…this particular strain appears to turn people slowly…it takes awhile before they start eating people’s faces, such as occurred in Miami, FL recently. As with all forms of the virus, it attacks the higher brain functions first, the ability to recognize and appreciate art and beauty. This is where Thorn’s Trifecta of Total Stupidity comes into play.
First, in cooperation with America’s most top-secret military agencies, Thorn invented Rap. It was assumed, quite naturally, I think, that anyone who would purchase rap was indeed infected with the zombie virus. To everyone’s horror, rap became popular. I have posted several blogs on rap which everyone should take a few moments to read. At this point, American authorities wanted to begin exterminating large segments of the populace, because our “shoot first and ask questions later” policy has always served us so well in the past. Thorn, of course, being the brilliant mind that he is, urged restraint…one test was insufficient proof. All that was proved was that people would listen to noise. More testing was needed. So, Thorn suggested that these “rappers” be put on awards shows. Again, to everyone’s horror, people blindly accepted that people who couldn’t sing a note were called “singers” and people who couldn’t play a single note on a musical instrument were called “musicians”. Once again, authorities wanted to begin extermination, but Thorn was the voice of reason. “Okay”, he said, “it looks bad….but let me do one more test.” His final part of TOTS was to put these “rappers” on television programs and movies to see if people would then call them “actors”. The answer to that question was as horrific as the others. Take, for instance, “Fitty Cent Curtis”. Anyone who has seen his movies where he plays a street thug with a heart of gold…oh…wait….that’s every movie he’s ever been in…and has witnessed his mumbling, incoherent dialogue delivery and “deer caught in headlights” facial expression knows what I’m talking about. So, now there could be no doubt. Millions and millions of Americans are infected and there is nothing to be done. Ahriman Thorn had confirmed the worst of everyone’s fears.
There was now nothing left to be done….it was time to start killing zombies. Now comes the revealing of a couple of mysteries…the death of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls. On orders from our government, Thorn had to eliminate the two of them, before anyone could discover that they were government created zombies. The proof of this is obvious, the government planned their deaths from the start…Tupac’s name spelled backwards is caput. And Biggie, has HE been allowed to live….he could have done some very serious people-eating.
Since this time, the government has begun extermination proceedings disguised as industrial “accidents” car wrecks, train wrecks, plane crashes, etc. However, the facts are these….the problem is just too large and our government and even the superhuman Ahriman Thorn cannot handle it alone. We all have to do our part.
I am about to tell you the single-most frightening thing that you have ever heard…8.6 MILLION people just watched the season premier of a TV show called “Duck Dynasty”. If you are unfamiliar with this show….just imagine the three stooges after generations of inbreeding and being born profoundly retarded….and growing beards.

So, the government is asking for our help. Testing tools are being provided by the media. Remember, the higher brain functions die first…the ability to recognize art and beauty. So, a magazine will publish an issue with say, someone like Queen Latifah on the cover. Inside will be an article saying how “beautiful” she is. Hand this magazine to a friend or family member. One of two things will happen: this individual will say “Oh, my GAWD…she is GORGEOUS!!! I MUST have sex with her immediately!! Are there any naked pictures of her inside?” If this happens, slowly draw your sidearm (all non-zombies should be carrying sidearms at this point) and blow their brains out. You’re doing them a favor. If, however they say something like “Holy jumping Jesus! Somebody call Jenny Craig! This woman is digging her own grave with a spoon! And look at the size of her FEET!! Who makes her shoes? The Boston Shipyards? The Army Corp of Engineers??” then chances are very good that they are NOT a zombie. Similarly, a magazine may publish an issue with a picture of Venus Williams wearing one her self-designed whored out “tennis outfits”. Again, if someone indicates sexual interest, shoot them. If, however, they say something like “WOW! That dude is RIPPED! But why is he dressed like he’s about to play in the Crack Whore Wimbledon?, then chances are excellent that they are not a zombie. I know this sounds harsh. But better this than waking up at 3:00 am to find your loved one chewing your ears off the side of your head or, possibly even worse, playing a Kanye West CD at roughly the same volume as a passenger jet taking off (which, if you think about it, is pretty much the same thing. For more on Kanye West (who is most certainly a zombie) please see my blog “What if Kanye West is Retarded?” at https://kat.ph/blog/Darius1954/post/2549/
This all for now…stay tuned for the Ahriman Thorn Story, Part 3!

If it is the user's of this site wish that I no longer be "Official KAT Troll" then replace me with another...I'll hold no ill will towards anyone...

Darius1954

Greetings, gentle readers. You are once again privileged to be be reading a blog by that world-renowned Troll King, Darius1954. I am often asked, "Darius, you are unquestionably the world's leading authority on every topic imaginable...can you tell us the REAL story behind the AMAZING Ahriman Thorn"? And the answer is, yes, of course I can:
Ahriman Thorn is, like all enigmatic, larger than life men, a very complex fellow. Yes, he is a heroic slayer of zombies. Yes, women throw themselves at his feet. Yes, every red-blooded male over the age of 4 wishes to be just like him. But there is more to the man than simply his strong-jawed, steely-eyed persona. Very few are aware, for instance, that he is a brilliant medical researcher who, YEARS ago developed a cure for cancer, which was promptly buried by the big pharmacy companies. Even fewer are aware that he is also a brilliant scientist who, YEARS ago, perfected cold fusion, which was promptly buried by the automobile and utility companies. Yes, his brilliance and courage have often been compared to that of a certain Troll King, who shall remain nameless, because this blog is not about Darius1954. Hundreds of songs have been written about Ahriman Thorn, extolling his virtue, courage and genius. This is no small accomplishment, considering that there are only 3 words that rhyme with Thorn, those being corn, horn and porn. A further testament to his high level of intelligence, is his ability to understand the incomprehensible Matrix System, a feat accomplished by only one other individual...a certain Troll King who shall remain nameless because this blog is NOT about Darius1954. A modest man, Ahriman Thorn is often embarrassed by the throngs of people who crowd the streets whenever he makes one his rare public appearances, singing their songs of praise and admiration. Their shouts of "Hero"..."Savior" and "Priapism" will often bring a deeper blush to his already ruddy countenance. Similar words are often used by the crowds that gather whenever a certain nameless Troll King makes a public appearance. My first language is actually Sanskrit Esperanto, so I am assuming the words shouted about me are identical in meaning...words like "Coward"..."Girlyman" and, of course, "Pussy". We shall be delving further into the life of Ahriman Thorn at a later date, as this will be, by necessity, a ongoing series...it would be impossible to tell this great story in merely one blog. Please stay tuned for more on the Man, the Myth, the Legend....Ahriman Thorn.

The 5 Most Implausible Old School Rap Songs
By:John Cheese, David Wong

Ok, ok, I know...here goes the troll posting another article ridiculing rap...but, seriously...it IS an easy target...if there is a more ridiculous genre of ANYTHING to make fun of, please give me your suggestions...


At one time, every major rap album had to contain at least one track where the rapper recounted, in extreme detail and in first person, a boastful yet grossly implausible tale involving himself and perhaps his crew. Many believe the mid-80s to the mid-90s was the golden era of rap music storytelling.
This era ended in 1994, with Nate Dogg and Warren G's "Regulate," a song that details, among other events, Warren G looking so handsome that a group of women crashed their car from staring at him so hard. The medium's credibility was never regained, causing many of us to cast a skeptical eye on tales such as ...

#5. "Parents Just Don't Understand" - Will Smith

The very first time mainstream America heard from future worldwide superstar Will Smith was the 1988 single "Parents Just Don't Understand," back when Smith was going by The Fresh Prince. It's a bouncy, radio-friendly, lighthearted tale told from the point of view of a teenager that, partway through, takes a turn for the nightmarish.

The second verse, which depicts at least one felony that Smith was apparently never even indicted for, begins with Smith "borrowing" his parents' car while they're away. Then he finds a girl:
That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking
I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking
You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions
I honked my horn just to get her attention

She likes the Porsche and climbs in, then immediately starts desperately trying to seduce him:

She kicked her shoes off onto the floor
She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on"
She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas
...
This girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh
She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far

At best, his eyes are on the road a third of the time.

At this point he's going so fast he attracts the attention of the police, which is a problem since he doesn't have license.

And then:

I almost had a heart attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a 12-year-old runaway

What. The. Fucking. Fuck. Motherfucker.

She's 12?

Let's review. Will Smith, future international superstar and Oscar nominee, says, "You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a middle school child. A child who says, "Drive fast, speed turns me on" before moving her hand toward his dick.
Finally, she seduces him by unbuttoning the top three buttons on her shirt to reveal her cleavage. Her 12-year-old cleavage.

Daaamn, girl, you're lookin' fine!

I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded

During this whole sequence, a confused Smith seems to think the problem is that he doesn't have a license. No, Will, the problem is that you just abducted a child off the street with the intention of molesting her.

#4. "Funky Cold Medina" - Tone Loc

If you traveled in a time machine back to 1989 and turned on MTV, you'd see a Tone Loc video. He had two hits, both of which were about his dysfunctional and at times clearly illegal sexual habits. The first was "Wild Thing" and the second was "Funky Cold Medina," after which humanity politely asked him to stop making music.

The story beings in a bar, where Tone is frustrated that he's not having any success trying to dig up a one-night stand:

Cold coolin' at a bar, and I'm lookin' for some action
But like Mick Jagger said, I can't get no satisfaction

First of all, when Jagger said he couldn't get satisfaction, we're pretty sure he was also having lots and lots of sex. No, Tone, your problems are not similar to Mick's. And let's face it, Tone wasn't the most attractive guy. He was a little overweight, wore ratty T-shirts and jeans, and sounded like Wolfman Jack. So right away we see that perhaps Tone doesn't have the firmest grip on reality.
But on the other side of the bar, some normal looking jackoff is surrounded by women. So Tone walks over and asks him how.

So I got up and strolled over to the other side of the cantina
I asked the guy, Why you so fly? He said, Funky Cold Medina
It's better than any alcohol or aphrodisiac
A couple of sips of this love potion, and she'll be on your lap

Yes, the stranger introduces him to a mind-controlling date-rape drug, which Tone doesn't even hesitate to accept. Now, clearly it would be irresponsible to immediately start drugging human women with this concoction. So Tone tests it on his dog, which becomes so aroused it tries to mate with Tone Loc himself:

So I gave some to my dog when he began to beg
Then he licked his bowl and he looked at me and did the wild thing on my leg
He used to scratch and bite me, before he was much much meaner
But now all the poodles run to my house for the Funky Cold Medina

His home now a writhing, yelping canine orgy, Mr. Loc considers this a successful test and immediately proceeds to drug a girl against her knowledge:

She said, I'd like a drink, I said, Ehm -- OK, I'll go get it
Then a couple sips she cold-licked her lips, and I knew that she was with it

What Tone did there now carries a 20-year minimum prison sentence, thanks to the Drug Induced Rape Prevention and Punishment Act of 1996.

But this was 1989, which was still the 80s, as Tone is about to remind us. So chemically enhanced sexual encounters with unwilling partners were still in a legal gray area. It was a different time.
Tone soon gets his comeuppance, however:

So I took her to my crib, and everything went well as planned
But when she got undressed, it was a big old mess, Sheena was a man
This is the 80s, and I'm down with the ladies

Here we learn that Tone alternates his sexual orientation by decade, which means that as of a month or so ago, he's gay again. But we digress. We're going to find out later that apparently, almost having sex with a transvestite is a very real danger in the hip-hop community, as it seems to come up fairly frequently.

Back in the saddle, lookin' for a little affection
I took a shot as a contestant on The Love Connection
The audience voted, and you know they picked a winner
I took my date to the Hilton for Medina and some dinner

Tone, undaunted and unable to find rest in his home due to the mass of humping dogs that are presumably still in his living room, decides to try his luck on a popular game show from the 80s called The Love Connection. This is where we have a problem. We've seen, recorded and memorized every episode of that show, and we don't recall Tone Loc ever being on it. However, he claims that he not only appeared but won.
We would suggest that he put Love Connection in there because it was the only thing he could think of that rhymed with "affection." But that seems unlikely considering that "erection" is out there.

We would also suggest that this guy win every major music award.

She had a few drinks, I'm thinkin' soon what I'll be getting
Instead she started talkin' 'bout plans for our wedding

So here Tone claims that even though he had a date that was guaranteed by contract, he still used the rape drug. But instead of the girl having sex with him, she wanted to get married, as the chemical has the remarkable ability to not only lower a woman's inhibitions and increase her sex drive, but to also create the kind of illusions of compatibility and long-term attraction that would induce her to propose marriage after a few hours.
This scares Tone, who warns listeners off of using Funky Cold Medina at all, despite the fact that it seemed to work just fine for the stranger at the bar and his dog. At no point does Tone speculate that perhaps he is the problem.

Naaaah.

#3. "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos" - Public Enemy

The tragedy of Public Enemy is that there are fans reading this who are young enough that they know Flavor Flav only as the goofy reality show star.

"Tragedy" is such a small word.

Back in the day, he and Chuck D changed rap music forever. Their first hit album was the bombastically titled It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back in 1988. They rapped about racism and the tragic state of black America, and about their persecution at the hands of a white-dominated government. In the middle of it all was the prison-break tale "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos."

Subtlety really wasn't their thing.

So first, the arrest:

I got a letter from the government
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckas
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me given' a damn I said never
...
Cold sweatin' as I dwell in my cell
How long has it been?
They got me sittin' in the state pen

So if you're to believe Mr. D, he was arrested for dodging the draft ... in 1988. He evidently got a letter from "the government," which called themselves "suckas" and then had him thrown in prison and scheduled for execution (he says later in the song that he is on "death row").
Clearly the government does some questionable things from time to time, but we've yet to encounter a situation in which an official showed up and said, "I'm a stupid asshole. You have the right to remain silent."

"The motion passes. This month, we will refer to ourselves as 'tards.'"

But that just goes to show how much different things are for the black man in this corrupt system. Once in prison, Chuck devises a plan to break out. The first step is to call Flavor Flav, resulting in this exchange:

Flavor Flav: Yo Chuck, you serious, you in the justice man?
Chuck: Word 'em up. I'm lookin' for that steel.
Flavor Flav: Yo, man, we gonna break you outta there, man we ain't goin' out like that man.

One thing we learn from that exchange that Chuck D is in fact a man, at least in the mind of Flav. After this, we find out that Chuck's intricate escape plan consists of waiting for the guard on death row to fall asleep while leaning against his cell:

Apparently, malls and prisons used the same employees back in Chuck D's day.

You know I caught a C-O
Fallin' asleep on death row
I grabbed his gun -- then he did what I said so

All right, so Chuck was fortunate enough to wind up in the most escapable prison since that one with the magnet boots in Face/Off. Now with hostages, it's time to make demands:

To understand my demands
I gave a warnin' -- I wanted the governor, y'all
And plus the warden to know
That I was innocent -
Because I'm militant
Posing a threat, you bet it's fuckin' up the government

Wait, are you innocent, or are you militant? You can't advocate overthrowing the government and then complain that you're falsely accused.

Nothing shady goin' on here.
Maybe part of the story is missing? Let's see if we can find a clue in here:

Got a woman C-O to call me a copter
She tried to get away, and I popped her
Twice, right
Now who wanna get nice?
I had six C-Os, now it's five to go

See, it's going to be awfully hard to get the governor to accept your innocence when you just killed a prison guard. And not for attacking you or trying to get the gun away, but for trying to leave. As the listener, we're thinking you're the bad guy, Chuck D.

Who exactly are the "good guys" here?
But then he makes his move, and the story strains our suspension of disbelief one step too far. He and his fellow escapees make a run for it, venturing into the courtyard past the guard towers:

... from the tower shots rang out
A high number of dose -- yes
And some came close
Figure I trigger my steel
Stand and hold my post
...
And then I threw up my steel bullets flew up
And to my surprise the guard tower blew up
What? Who? The bazooka was who?
And to my rescue, it was the S1Ws

Yes, Flavor Flav has shown up with the "S1W's" (Public Enemy's hype men/backup dancers).

Their half of the escape plan was to launch shoulder-fired rockets at the guard tower and presumably the fence.
Now, obviously this is where rappers' tendency to tell these stories first-person muddles things. Clearly Chuck D never murdered multiple prison guards and/or destroyed a prison with rockets. That would have made the news. But his fantasy reveals something deeply disturbing about his personality: In the event of a life-or-death emergency, he thinks it'll be a good idea to call Flavor Flav.


Before Ice Cube was starring in family comedies and Dr. Dre was doing Dr Pepper commercials, they were in a rap group called N.W.A. with a tiny man named Eazy-E. And before Boyz N the Hood was a critically acclaimed 1991 gangster movie starring Ice Cube, it was a 1987 song by Eazy-E.

Eazy sadly passed away in 1995, but in his prime he went on an imaginary crime spree that shocked the nation.

On an encounter with a friend who tried to steal his stereo:

Chased him up the street to call a truce
The silly motherfucker pull out a deuce-deuce
Little did he know I had a loaded 12-gauge
One sucker dead, L.A. Times first page

It seems unlikely that the shooting of a single man over a stereo would make the front page of the newspaper in a city that averaged two or three homicides a day at the time.

Only if that sucker was famous or young and pretty.

But anyway. Maybe the guy stealing his stereo was the mayor or something. Then Eazy meets his girlfriend:

Went to her house to get her out of the pad
Dumb ho says something stupid that made me mad
She started talkin' shit, wouldn't you know?
Reached back like a pimp and slapped the ho

And here we were under the impression that real mothafuckin' G's used bats.
Here we're introduced to a theme that is going to be repeated throughout nearly all of Eazy-E's tales: his penchant for solving problems by slapping people. Which brings us to our second example from the Eazy-E catalog, "Nobody Move," detailing an armed robbery by Eazy and his crew.

This is a stick-up, everybody get face-down
Ren, gag their mouths so they can't make a sound
...
Take out the security guard with a slap of my hand
Yeah, he's wearin' a badge, but he's a old-ass man

Here Eazy takes out the guard with his superhuman slapping abilities. Again, in real life, Eazy-E was about the size of a middle school cheerleader.

Now it's time to deal with the closed-circuit security system:

Cover the lens on the TV screen
you know, so me and my gang just can't be seen

Eazy covers "the lens on the TV screen." Now, we're not the most tech-savvy people in the world, but even we know that that's not the way security cameras work. The "TV screen" part is what displays what's on the camera. The actual camera is somewhere else. Covering the screen will prevent Eazy and his gang from seeing themselves on the closed-circuit security system, but the cameras will continue to record. Nearly all problems in human society can be traced back to this "if we can't see it, it is no longer a problem" fallacy.

"How much you wanna bet this whole 'Hitler' thing just blows over?"

So the guys are robbing the bank and slapping random people when Eazy notices a woman he'd like to rape. During the robbery.

Peepin' at a bitch cause my dick's on hard
...
and then untie the ho, so I can start creepin'
I said: "Lay down, and unbutton your bra!"
She had the biggest titties that a nigga ever saw

But then the plan runs into a complication:

The suspense was makin' me sick
She took her panties down and the bitch had a dick!
I said: "Damn," dropped the gat from my hand
What I thought was a bitch, ain't nothing but a man

Underwear conceals so much.

Yes, the exact same scenario as played itself out in "Funky Cold Medina." Of all the problems to plague the inner city in the late 1980s, apparently having an attempted rape go south due to the victim being transsexual was at the very top of the list. It comes up a lot. We could start getting into the implications of this, but it really should be the subject of its own book.
Eventually the police surround the bank, and Eazy demands a helicopter "so we can get away clean, and take some pussy along if you know what I mean."

It doesn't work. Police shoot tear gas into the bank, and the guys get arrested, but only because Eazy's gun jams. We're not sure why he didn't just slap his way out.

#1. "Paul Revere" - Beastie Boys

Just like Will Smith, the Beastie Boys were in their 20s when their first hit album, License to Ill, came out in 1987, but played the part of teenagers in some of their songs. But then you have the Beastie Boys origin story "Paul Revere," which is not in fact about Paul Revere but instead tells of how the group became friends in the course of a crime spree:

The song begins with Ad-Rock (Adam Horovitz) riding through the desert on his horse:

Had a little horsey named Paul Revere
Just me and my horsey and a quart of beer
Riding across the land, kicking up sand
Sheriff's posse on my tail cause I'm in demand

Sure you are.

Why is he on a horse? Wait, is this an Old West tale? That would at least make it transparently fictional, and thus more honest than the other examples on this list.

The sun is beating down on my baseball hat
The air is gettin' hot, the beer is getting flat
I was lookin' for a girl

Hmmm ... no, he's wearing a "baseball hat." So that eliminates two explanations as to why he's on a horse -- he's neither a cowboy nor Amish.
So he's clopping through the desert, drinking a beer and looking for a girl to party with. Now, it's suspect enough that he should be looking for someone to have sex with in the middle of the desert, but he also has the cops on his tail. They couldn't catch him on horseback? Are the cops on foot?
The horse seems important to the story, since the song is named after him, but they never mention him again. Already this raises doubts in our mind.

Out of the blue, MCA (Adam Yauch) appears. MCA asks for a drink of Ad-Rock's beer, which Ad-Rock denies him. MCA replies by pulling his gun, introducing himself and demanding -- at gunpoint -- that Ad-Rock become his friend and get drunk with him:

He put the gun to my head and this is what he said,
...
Now, "I got the gun, you got the brew
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can blow you away or you can ride with me."

A guy with hair that silver might waste a dude for coke, but not beer.
Ad-Rock agrees, and we learn why he came to be riding through the desert on horseback:

I'll ride with you if you can get me to the border
The Sheriff's after me for what I did to his daughter
I did it like this, I did it like that
I did it with a wiffleball bat

This tale of rape is an anomaly in the rap universe in that the victim does not turn out to have both male and female genitalia. But still it raises more questions than we can cover here. Ad-Rock tells MCA he knows of a club that serves champagne, which will satisfy MCA's need for something to drink and will get Ad-Rock across "the border" and out of the sheriff's jurisdiction:

We rode for six hours then we hit the spot

To you aspiring criminals, this is why horses do not make good getaway vehicles. To get out of a sheriff's jurisdiction in America, you only need to get out of the county, an area just 20 or 30 miles wide at most. This trip takes them six hours.

They'd have gotten there faster by Segway.

Then again, the sheriff is still not able to catch them. Maybe the deputies are all confined to wheelchairs?
They reach the bar, and once inside, they see a guy who apparently knows MCA. They sit next to him, and he immediately stands up, announces that he's robbing the place and shoots two random customers:

The kid said, "Get ready cause this ain't funny
My name's Mike D. and I'm about to get money."
Pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the sky
He yelled, "Stick 'em up!" and let two fly
Hands went up and people hit the floor
He wasted two kids that ran for the door

Yeah, that we can believe.

Then he does something that really makes us doubt that he or any member of this group has ever successfully committed a crime: He tells everyone in the bar his name.

"I'm Mike D. and I get respect
Your cash and your jewelry is what I expect"

Then we are introduced to the unsung hero of this story:

... I grabbed the piano player and I punched him in the face
The piano player's out, the music stopped

We're talking about the club's piano player. Apparently, the pianist is so dedicated that during the entire robbery, multiple gunshots and two murders, he just kept on going. The music didn't stop until Ad-Rock punched him in the face.

"He's deaf and blind! This guy is Ray Charles squared."

At this point, the three gather up all of their loot, Ad-Rock abducts two women, and they leave (if you're keeping count, that's five people who had to pile onto the back of poor Paul Revere).

Presumably they chose to form a rap group shortly thereafter.

I like to come to KAT and troll
post a blog and take a poll
to have my friends pay heed and listen
while I rag on the Matrix System
And Aussies, too, they are my bane
their dragons eat your landing plane
spiders, spiders everywhere
they're in your clothing
and in your hair
Perhaps Sir Seeds just might be bitten
if he posts just one more f*****g kitten
And women love me
most are smitten
when I tell them their place
is in the kitchen
and rap has not escaped my ire
rap CDs make a pretty fire
and let's not forget the mods and staff
they take our rep points
then run and laugh
But there ARE free movies
so I think we've shown
be it ever so humble
KAT is our home

Thousands of spiders blanket Australian farm after escaping flood
By Eric Pfeiffer, Yahoo! News | The Sideshow – Wed, Mar 7, 2012

What appears to be snow is actually spider webs blanketing an Australian farm. (Daniel Munoz/Reuters)
Thousands of normally solitary wolf spiders have blanketed an Australian farm after fleeing a rising flood.
Reuters reports that the flooding has forced more than 8,000 Australian (human) residents from their homes in the city of Wagga Wagga in New South Wales. But for every temporarily displaced person, it appears several spiders have moved in to fill the void.
"What we've seen here is a type of wolf spider," Owen Seeman, an arachnid expert at Queensland Museum, told Reuters. "They are trying to hide away (from the waters)."
The Australian Museum's entomology collections manager Graham Milledge told Reuters that there's even a term for the phenomenon, "ballooning," and that it is typical behavior for spiders forced to escape rising waters.
You can watch a video here of researchers on the hunt for ballooning spiders from the safety of a hot air balloon.

A dog casually walks through the ballooning spider webs (Daniel Munoz/Reuters)
Thankfully for local residents, the occupying arachnids are not likely to set up permanent residence, a la the 1977 William Shatner clunker "Kingdom of the Spiders." Weather reports say the flood waters in Wagga Wagga have begun receding, meaning that locals will soon be returning to their homes and the wolf spiders will also be returning to their natural underground habitats.
And it turns out the spiders are actually doing quite a bit of good while setting up shop above ground. The spiders are feasting on mosquitoes and other insect populations that have boomed with the increased moisture brought about by the rising waters.
"The amount of mosquitoes around would be incredible because of all this water," Taronga Zoo spider keeper Brett Finlayson told the Sydney Morning Herald. "The spiders don't pose any harm at all. They are doing us a favor. They are actually helping us out."

Spiders and other insects fill the trees after flooding last year in Pakistan (Russell Watkins/U.K. Department …
As amazing as this display may be, it's not the first time photographers have captured massive displaced spider migrations. One of the most famous pictures of 2011, above, showed millions of spiders and other insects in Pakistan that had formed massive web clusters in trees to escape rising floodwaters.
"It was largely spiders," Russell Watkins, U.K. Department for International Development, told National Geographic. "Certainly, when we were there working, if you stood under one of these trees, dozens of small, very, very tiny spiders would just be dropping down onto your head."

Ok, folks...did you hear that? DOZENS of SPIDERS would just be DROPPING DOWN on your HEAD!!! But...get this....they're doing us a FAVOR...they're HELPING US OUT...It's worse than I originally thought...the strain of living on this man-killing continent has driven our poor Aussie friends INSANE...

Dear Friends and fellow KAT lovers...today we are going to examine the KickAss rep points system, as there seems to be a bit of confusion. Those of you who have read my blog "The Matrix System Explained" know that there is no individual in the world who is more capable of shining the light of truth on otherwise murky topics. Let us proceed:

The rep point system is sort of a KickAss community legal tender. Rep points are awarded to users for performing tasks such as notifying the staff of spammers, uploading torrents, posting threads and blogs, fixing sandwiches for the Official KAT Troll or posting pictures of topless women on his wall. In this way rep points are very much like the currency of countries...such as Great Britain's pound shirley, Australia's quid koala, or actual real money like the American dollar. Now, many users are under the mistaken impression that once these rep points have been awarded to them, they now own them. Nothing could be further from the truth and I find such childlike innocence adorable. When your boss hands you your paycheck, do you now own that? Of course not! If you believe that, then you are as crazy as an assault rifle owner at a Batman premier. Like KAT staff, the government can rip your puny paycheck out of your trembling fingers with no due process what so ever. Don't believe me? Try being late on your taxes. Try being late on your child support payments. They will snatch your check so fast they'll make a whooshing noise as they fly by. KAT is very much like the government...as far they are concerned, you are ALWAYS late on your taxes and ALWAYS late on your child support payments. This is true even if you are paid YEARS ahead on your taxes and have NO children...even if in fact you are incapable of having children as you have been rendered sterile because of the HOURS you have spent in front of the computer on the KAT website, identifying spammers, uploading torrents, posting pictures of topless women on the Official KAT Troll's wall, etc. All is not bleak, however...KAT staff doesn't just keep your rep points. They are donated in your name to worthy causes such as the Crotchless Panties For Needy Prostitutes Foundation, The No Child Left Behind Sweatshop Foundation, and the Sandwich and Porn for Trolls league. A percentage also goes to the person who actually takes your rep points away from you. What? They're supposed to work for free?? So, please get back to work earning rep points...we cannot take them away from you if you don't have any to take.
I hope this clarifies any and all issues regarding the rep points system. There is no need to thank me...this blog is going to earn me a SHITLOAD of rep points!

In my ongoing effort to piss off all of my friends in other countries (whom I secretly love and admire a great deal) today we switch our focus from the Brits and their ridiculous Matrix System to our Aussie friends and their incredibly dangerous and possibly fatal country...

Australia is a wonderful, beautiful island continent home to a peaceful, happy, and loving people... that Mother Nature hates so much she can taste stabbing.

Just The Facts

Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna...all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
Its primary spoken language is screaming.

From the Abyss It Is Birthed

Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there...because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.
After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.

Things in Australia that Will Kill You

Everything. No, seriously: Everything.
First there's the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you - it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.
Then there's the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.
Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it's true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world...all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: The deadliest and most painful sting of any Jellyfish species in the world.
Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that's totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist - because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses - it even swims. IT FUCKING SWIMS.
Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia - and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?
You just walked into Mother Nature's Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you're not Max; you're the dead retard.

Things in Australia that Will Not Kill You

Hugh Jackman seems nice.