posted 25 May 2012, 22:40
Hi everyone. Just like the title says, this isn't exactly a shining moment in my life. On Tuesday my girlfriend broke up with me. She said it was because she almost cheated and felt weird and didn't love me anymore. I was OK with it at first, I mean, she was tempted to cheat, but she didn't. Then the reality sunk in. Now things are awkward between us and we haven't spoken a word to each other since then, and only talk through e-mails. I really do miss her. We used to talk about what we'd do if we ever broke up, we agreed we'd stay friends, or try to. I myself don't exactly have many friends, so I don't have many places to turn for comfort. Although two good friends of mine (they're online friends, though) are helping me through this. I still love her and want her back, but she says there's close to no chance of us getting back together again. She didn't say it to be mean and doesn't want to sound mean at all, she's just telling what she thinks right now. She also said that we might not even be able to be friends. I mean, I can see it working out either way, whether we're friends or not. I just really want to talk to her, but I told myself I'd let her come talk to me when she's ready. She was the first girlfriend I ever had, and the only girl I'd ever loved. We lasted only three months, February 16th is when I asked her to be my girlfriend. But it was the happiest three months of my life.
But even though this has really brought me down, I'm still able to concentrate on my classes, which is good. Because if I fail math again my mom is probably going to beat me to Hell and back. Heh, and I made a promise to my now ex-girlfriend that I'd be graduating beside her. Before I asked her to be my girlfriend, we were really close for a year. I helped her through everything. She has a lot, A LOT, that she shouldn't have to deal with. But I was there to help her through it all, and I think I did a good job. I told her that even if we can't be friends, if she needs to talk I'll be there for her. I can't just stop caring for her. It's almost weird, with me, I care about close to nothing, and I never would've thought I'd be brought to tears multiple times from caring so much about a person. But I guess I do feel better about it all somewhat. Because she said that she's not in the position to be in a relationship. So I might not have to worry about her being with another guy. Well..in a relationship with another guy anyways.
But in any case, I suppose that this was a fairly peaceful breakup. I didn't go off and commit suicide immediately. Although my friend Jon found a piece of glass and I wanted to see if it was sharp or not so I slid it down my arm. It was more dull and blunt rather than sharp, so I was only left with a couple red marks on my arms, barely more than scratches. Although it's not exactly an unusual thing for me to do though. I've never cut myself out of sadness before, only boredom or by accident. But then again, my ex-girlfriend promised me she wouldn't cut, and I promised her that I wouldn't either. Which is another thing. She was so worried about me cheating, and me breaking up with her, and then she does it. Well, almost cheats. I know I should trust her completely, but she told me that she had feelings for this other guy, and that she had alcohol in her system (which I told her not to go near..), how do I know that she didn't cheat? I really hope I don't have to go through this again. I thought I'd be back to normal in about a week and a half to two weeks, but I don't see it happening. I wish she would just remember all the good times we had. I don't want to just forget her like some people say. I don't want to think back to my high school days and remember that one girl who made my life miserable. I want to remember her as the girl who I was there for no matter what and she'll always have a place in my heart. I don't think I'll ever meet a girl quite like her ever again. She was perfect for me. But I guess any chance of reconciling is almost wishful thinking.
But, I guess that's enough before I start pouring waterfalls out of my eyes. Might be a stupid suggestion, but if anyone would care to help me take my mind off my current situation in any way. Talking to me, jokes, etc. I'd be thankful. I have a bit to keep me busy, but there's no guarantee that watching movies and whatnot will take my mind off her 100%.
Thanks for reading. Hope I feel better about all this very soon.