RyPeR1592

Happy Valley

I

To think it has been so long since I've drank alcohol, it's mind blowing. That sour after taste, that tingling feeling right after your first tequila shot, that amazing feeling of power after a couple of bottles of your favorite brand of spirit. But ow my fucking god, the morning after is the worst! I used to drink a lot with Larry, my best friend and drinking partner, he can't really hold his liquor but the way he acts when he's drunk, phew, it can make everybody crap their pants laughing. I can feel the ground shaking again...am I drunk, what the fuck is going on? HOLY SH...

"Larry?"
"Yeah that's me, who the fuck are you?"
"Don't you recognize me? I'm your oldest friend."
"No you're not, I don't even know you. Get out of my face!"
"Hey Bro! Hey...yeah you! The Larry guy, who exactly are you?
"I'm just a dude wondering these parts, nothing interesting about me, which obviously can't be said about the three of you. Who is the big fella over there?"
"Me BIG, ME SMASH YOU!"
"Relax big guy, no need to hurt me, I"m a friend."
"OW, so now you're HIS friend? You're supposed to be MY friend!"
"Would you just get over yourself, you're embarrassing your kind with this behavior!"
"Why you..."

I lunged forward, my vision was darkened, I was angry as hell. I didn't realize it at first...
But I was about to kill my best friend.

II

I couldn't believe it, Larry ia dead. He is now lying in bed, eyes closed, hands crossed, and legs contorted in weird positions. He drank so much last night that if anybody else saw him in this state they might actually think he is dead. He is not, he's just pissed drunk.
Now...why am I here?

"Wake up, please buddy wake up!"
"Wha...where am I? Hey...I know you!"
"So you do recognize me."
"Of course I do you devil, why wouldn't I? JESUS, why am I bleeding?"
"Long story, now we have to go."
"Go where?"
"To the Gates."
"What Gates."
"The gates to your salvation bro!"
"Who are you?"
"I'm just a sly dude, I've been watching over your friend here, and the big guy is with me so don't worry."
"Is that...an ogre?"
"Not really, I would describe him more as a big-ass human mutant dude!"
"I see. So, where are we headed exactly?"
"Follow me friends, you two can hop up on the giant, I can walk."
"Let's roll Larry."
"Hey, you used to say that when we went out drinking!"
"Yeah, and I will say it again shortly."

So we continued our trek through this unknown place, now it's easier since I'm back with Larry. I can't shake the feeling that I will never see him again if we go through those blasted Gates, I don't know. I'll just have to wait and see. In the meanwhile:
"Let's roll Larry."

Hello everybody, this is RyPeR filling in for JimBeamLean5519 who is filling in for PiratMas. I will be doing today's question blog, sorry for it being a little late as the time zone is screwing with me. Anyways...let's get the ball rolling.


You've probably seen the picture above before, you probably know what it is and how it works, and you probably love these things. If you don't know what that picture is, well, google optical illusions. Let's just cut it to the chase shall we? Wait...that's not the question. This is the question:

What is it that makes us so fascinated with optical illusions, and what is your favorite one?
¡ǝɯosǝʍɐ puɐ ןnɟıʇnɐǝq ןןɐ ǝɹɐ noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ʍouʞ oʇ noʎ pǝʇuɐʍ ʇsnɾ ı

This is just an update blog, don't expect amazing greatness.

Planned blog stuff:

1. RyPeR's Amazing Blogs (RABs).
2. Continuing Happy Valley.
3. Continuing In Memoriam.
4. A surprise blog series.

I will also create an update thread to show of my stuff, maybe I can do a twitter/facebook update thingy.

So stay tuned (always wanted to say that) more RABs to come.

PS: I don't have pointy ears.

So here I am, again, after a long and probably well deserved break from the internets.

School is killing me slowly but surely, yet somehow I'm killing it back. (details to come soon)

The short stories will continue, don't you worry.

The crazy drunken rants may come back, hopefuly.

KAT looks sharper than ever by the way!


I hope to chat with you all again very soon.

I love you all, you are beautiful people.

No picture! Deal with it.
At the moment I'm drunk.
I just came back from a party that could have lasted for hours. Instead...I wanted to blog on KAT, like the good ol' days.
Do I sound old?.. Good.
Now...back to blogging.
Nothing interesting to blog about except the following list:
1. Looking for a job.
2. Looking for an online class to finish 12th grade. (strange...)
3. Looking for water...
4. My *beep* hurts...is that weird?
5. My knuckles are bleeding...looking for one of those things that cover shit up when they are hurt...forgive me I'm drunk.
6. Looking for a fuc...girlfriend...:)
7. Looking for a dentist...forgot to brush my teeth...sue me!
8. Looking for inspiration to finish my short stories.
9. Looking for time to spend on KAT.

Here you go...you don't like my blog? Whatever, I'm drunk...I don't care...North Korea is behind me...fuck censorship...I'm ready to unleash on the world. But first I have to sober up.

I love you guys.

Well I'm taking a break from Happy Valley, I really need to plan out how the story goes before I continue. In the meanwhile I will start a new short story series called: In Memorium. This story will be different because it presents events that are exaggerated but closely resemble my life. I will not say which are fact and which are fiction, that would just ruin the story I think. Some of you might be disappointed that there will be no Happy Valley today but rest assured I will make it up to all of you tomorrow. And now, without any more commercial breaks, In Memorium.
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In Memorium


ONE

Well what do you know, it actually happened.

The moon was following its majestic course from one end of the horizon to the other, shinning radiant light on a crowd of people gathered around to mourn the loss of one man. Who is that man? And who are all those people gathered around him? It's been so long I can hardly recognize most of them. So many familiar faces springing buried memories long lost in my vast ocean of thoughts. I do not belong among them anymore so I hang back, watching cautiously. Why do I have a smile on my face? And then I remember.

I turn around, find my car keys and fiddle with them while strolling quietly around the commotion happening just a few meters away from me, thinking. I decide to call it a night and go back home. I find my car, which was no easy feat considering the moon was providing the only usable light around and the multitude of cars waiting for their owner adding to the chaos. I pull out of the parking area, find my way to the highway exit and begin the long trek back to my hotel. I turn on the radio looking for my favorite radio show. As I pressed the seek button furiously I stumble upon a song that might be able to change the rest of my life. I sing along: “My best friend gave me the best advice...” I sing along...

TWO


This morning really sucks.

It was cold, freakishly cold for an August day in Beijing. The sour taste in my mouth feels familiar, of course, hangover. I stumble out of bed and walk to the fridge in my kitchen, passing through the three empty rooms in my presidential suite at the Hilton. Cool eh? Not really. It's empty. I regret leaving my wife back home now, my fridge is empty. What now? I reach for the room service menu and pick up the phone dialing the morning service number. The operator literary commands me in two languages to hang up the phone and call at 9:30, it was 9:14. This morning sucks. Shower didn't help either, hot water took forever to, well, get hot. It was 9:29, perfect. I pick up the phone and dial fast thinking I'm not the only one trying to reach the room service, hoping to be the first. I ordered a meal for two, scrambled eggs with bacon and caviar, why the hell not? The room service guy finally shows up after probably the longest five minutes of my life. “Are you expecting someone,” he asks. “Should I set the table for you?” I coldly tell him to just give me the food and let me eat. I try to close the door with no success, his boot was in the way. “Oh right, you want a tip.”I reach for my wallet on the kitchen counter and hand the guy twenty RMB* hoping that will satisfy him. Luckily it did.

There was one simple matter I absolutely didn't want to think about.

How the hell do I tell my wife her brother is dead?
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RMB, also knows as RenMinBi or Yuan is the Chinese national currency. It's value in Euros is approximately 10 Yuan per 1 Euro.

Happy Valley


I




It's getting windy, I better close that damn window. Why can't I get off the bed? Guess I'm too lazy. Ow well...a little wind during the night never killed anybody. I wonder where Larry is? Maybe I'll give him a call. The phone, where's the...ah...there. Son of a bitch, I can't reach it. Ow well...I guess Larry can do without me for a few more days. What's all that shaking about? There are no earthquakes here! He whole house is tilting! What the HEEEEL!!!

"Nice punch there bro!"
"Me don't talk to you. Me punch It!"
You stupid mongrel, stop hitting me. What have I ever done to you?
"Me don't talk to you. Me punch you!"
STOP! ST...
"That looked like it could hurt. HEY! DID THAT HURT?"
You smug asshole, take this...Thing off of me. I don't want to fight it. Hell, I CAN'T fight it!
"Well bro you're going to have to come up with a plan soon or else you're going to be late for the party."
What fucking party?
"The one where all..."
AAAAARGH!
"Me don't talk to yous. Me punch all!"
"Alright big guy, dial it down a notch. I know how bad you want to beat our friend here but keep in mind that we might still need him for Later."
"Me don't care. Me punch."
"Geez, how about we just help our friend over there-who apparently isn't feeling so, well, complete."
"Me don't want. Me kill."
"Boy you really need to read more, that One Book of yours certainly hasn't done much good to your linguistic skills. Man, I love it when I talk dirty. HEY BUDDY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT DOWN THERE? WE REALLY NEED TO GET A MOVE ON!"

As I was trying to put together the pile of broken pieces that was my body, I realized that I could just make a run for it and hope for the best. Then I realized something else, what if I can convince the big guy to help me. I know he ain't smart but maybe I can entice him with something. Let's see. Of course, how did I not think of this earlier?

I'll just let him kill me.

II




I seriously need to reconsider my job. For some, sitting in a cubicle for half a day might seem a serene experience. For me it seems like a way to torment the last working brain muscle in your brain, not to mention that your ass changes shape after a few years of sitting in the same stinky fucking chair. I'm good at stuff, maybe I'll become a priest. Hahaha, yeah right. What's that wind again, the shaking? Ow no...
"Me don't care. Me kill you!"
No, wait a moment. I have a better idea. How about this: You help me get to the gates faster and I'll let you kill me when we get there. How does that sound?
"Hey what in the name of Light are you doing? Ow wait....you sly devil you."
Stay out of this, you're going to fuck everything up.
"Whatever you say Your Excellency."
So what do you say big guy? Do we have a deal?
"Me don't get. You confuse me."
Alright...Jesus...how do I say this more clearly...YOU HELP ME. YOU KILL ME LATER!
"Hahaha, that was awesome. Do that voice again."
Shut up. DO YOU GET ME NOW?
"Me understand. Me help you."
Perfect.
"You are a smarter than I figured you out to be. You might actually make it out of here Alive. Given that this dude doesn't kill you before you enter the Gates."
Relax, I've got a plan.


I climbed on the giant's back, making a saddle of sorts out of some leaves and branches, and moved onward. I couldn't believe that I made it out of there alive. I don't know if one can actually die here but I'm not interested in finding out. All was well, until....

I spotted Larry.

Happy Valley


I


It's cold. I can tell because the pillow is not as drenched in sweat as it usually is. God, why is there always a remote jammed between my ribs? Stupid technology. Great, now the TV went on. Well since I'm awake there's no harm in browsing right? WRONG...man was I wrong...who the hell is stupid enough to watch TV at two in the fucking morning, I am apparently. I never noticed how white my room was before, how weird. I guess that makes me a clean guy? It would if not for the pile of bloody clothes in the corner.

Wait a second, why are...

"Snap out of it!"
Hey, relax. I've been slapped enough for a day.
"A day? You really are a slow one."
What are you talking about? And why are...where's..?
"Don't worry about the old fella' he's taking a break, he's been carrying you on his back for the past month."
Month? Are you serious?
"As serious as that big ass scar on your leg."
Scar? Whe....AAARGH! What the hell have you done to me? I...I can see my fucking bone!
"Relax, it's just a flesh wound."
How can you say that, my leg is about to fall appart!
"You don't have to worry about that here, you're safe from any real harm. What you are seeing is just for show, something to keep things a bit more interesting."
Interesting? Who are you people? Some kind of cannibalistic psychopaths?
"Dude, that was a mouthful, try saying that five times really fast."
Stop fucking with me! Tell me where I am! NOW!
"Alright, alright. Are you sure you want to know? Truth REALLY hurts you know."
I don't give a rat's ass. I'm sick of this place and I don't even know what the fuck it is!
"CALM THE FUCK DOWN! I don't know who you think you are but you don't talk to me that way, understand? Now, I've been pretty chill so far with you but if you don't get your act together I'm going to have to unleash the Holy Shit Storm on you. Am I clear?"
Crystal.
"Good. Now let's get out of this shitty marble palace."

I followed the irritated beast for what seemed like hours. The road started getting a little softer and slippery. Is it mud?

I looked up.
Sky.



II

I don't understand, for the life of me, why people watch porn. It's a silly idea. What the crap? Why did that just pop into my head? Ouch! What was that, felt like a needle. Was that a bee?
Have you seen a bee around?
"Bees, flies, moths, birds. Are you hungry?"
No.
"Then why are you asking?"
Forget it.
"Idiot"
What?
"Nothing. Just thinking out loud."
From here it sounded like you called me an idiot!
"I did. So what?"
God you're annoying.
"Don't bring the ol' Dude into this. He has nothing to do with you obvious leak in your brain."
Why you!
"Don't even think about it. If you touch me you WILL die."
What do you mean? Stop fucking with my head you fucking freaks!
"You're the freak here my friend. We're here to help but obviously that crash did a big number on your brain cell count."
It may have, but that doesn't mean I can't tell when something fishy is going on.
"You couldn't spot a Tank if it was standing right under your nose. Now get off you high Horse and keep walking. We're almost there."
Almost where?
"Your first test."
Test? Test for what?
"Your faith."
And there it was. The biggest man I've ever seen. His fists were almost as big as the Truck that hit me.
What am I supposed to do now?
"You know what you have to do smart ass."
I don't. I really don't...

"You're going to have to fight him."

Happy Valley


I

Ugh...why did you punch me?
"It was a necessary action, you were getting too loud for your own good."
So your go-to response was to punch me? Why don't you just answer my questions?
"Because my job is not to answer questions. My job is to lead people to the Gates."
You mean those golden monstrosities behind me?
"No my dear man, those are the gates you entered here though. The Gates I'm talking about are that way.
You've got to be kidding me. That's like a week's worth of walking.
"Not like, my dear man. It's a Week's worth of walking."
So you expect me to just follow you around blindly without even knowing where I am?
"Yes."
How did you figure that?
"Faith."
What?
"Do you have Faith?"
In what?
"In Me, do you have Faith in Me"?
I don't even know you. I can barely see your face.
"That's irrelevant. I need to know if you have Faith. If you don't you might as well go Back now."
Alright, alright. Don't get your...toga in a bunch.
"You're a funny one. Haven't met a funny one in a while. Shall we go then?"
Sure, lead the way.

What in the world is going on? I'm trapped in what seems to be a gigantic marble structure leading to some gates which I don't have a clue where they lead. Fan-fucking-tastic. There's also this nut-job who expects me to follow him blindly on faith alone, what is this? Summer camp all over again? I sure hope not, what me and the rest of the boys did in summer camp wasn't exactly Christian. Now what is this, another nut-job?

II

"Hello fellow traveler"
Umm, are you talking to me?
"Of course I'm talking to you. Who else would I be talking to?"
Well the...

Where the hell did he go? Was I just imagining him? This is completely insane!

Have you seen a tall, skinny guy that was with me earlier?
"I don't know what you are talking about young man. You were walking alone as far as I know."
As far as...have you been following me?
"Yes, I've been doing so for the past 2 days."
DAYS? I've been walking for 2 DAYS?
"Is that such a surprise? Have you seen how your clothing is all torn?"
Holy Shit! What the hell is going on here?
"Young man, I strongly recommend you don't use that word around here?"
What word? Holy? Shit? hell?
"Shhh, they might hear you."
Who's they? And who are you anyway?
"My Name is not important. All you have to know about Me is that I'm here to help. It is mu duty to lead stray sheep towards the Gates."
You mean those over there? You're going there too?
"No young man, I merely guide those like you towards them. The rest is up to the sheep to figure out."
What sheep?
"You."
Why am I a sheep?
"So you're telling me you don't Know? How unfortunate. Well I guess you will have to wait and find out once you are past the Gates."
Jesus, not another idiot who can't answer questions.
"What did you say?"
Jesus?
"How do you know that Name?"
I...what? Ow this is priceless. You're telling me YOU don't know who Jesus is? And here I was thinking I was in heaven!
"What are you blabbering about young man?"
Heaven, Hell, Jesus, God, all that religious nonsense! But wait, if you don't know about Jesus then how do you know about Hell?
"I'm sorry for what I'm about to do."
What do you....
"This one has potential. He truly does."

Well this is going to be different. As you may have noticed all my blogs have magically disappeared! I kid, I deleted them. "Why would you do that you maniac, that picture with the pizza was the only thing that got me through the day. You asshole!" I deleted all my previous blogs in an attempt to start over because I feel like I've got off on a wrong foot as a SU and I formed a sort of a bad reputation in the community. Well no more Mr. Argue-With-Everything-and-Contest-All-Ideas-Smarty-Pants. From now on it will be just plain ol' RyPeR.

This blog post marks the inauguration of my KAT exclusive short story. A little background on the thing: There's this dude, something happens and he ends up somewhere strange. Ow gimme a break I only started writing the frigging thing and I don't wanna spoil the rest of the story (read: I have no idea what's going to happen next.) A little note though. The story includes mature, religious, and some outright dumb themes. The story will contain some pokes of fun at religion and other sensitive subject but that's only because of....well you'll see for yourself. OK!!! STOP WRITING RYPER!

Enjoy!
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Happy Valley



I

“Good morning listeners, what a beautiful morning isn't it? Today there seems to be no clouds whatsoever and little to no chance of any rain. Traffic is light, I guess people skipped work today to be out with family and friends and enjoy this once in a lifetime weather.
” Shit...I wish I thought of that. Instead I'm trapped in this shitty four-wheeled gray box driving to my shitty job dressed in these shitty clothes. What a beautiful fucking morning indeed. Gotta hand it to myself though, it's amazing I still get up every morning. I sometimes think: Why not just blow my fucking brain out? Nope, can't afford the gun. Jump off a bridge? Nope, scared of heights. Hang myself? I heard that takes a while, I'd hate to have second doubts in the process. I mean what's the point? No wife, no kids, all the rest of my family is dead. Shitty job, shitty car, shitty suit, shitty friends. Except Larry, he's cool. Changing the station didn't help...I think the Universe has something against me all of a sudden making my favorite radio stations play all these happy songs...pop songs nonetheless. Driving this section of highway road on my one hour-long trip to work is probably my highlight of the day. Many interesting things happen around here, and they are all easy to spot. I remember this one bird was flying really fast towards this huge truck like it wanted to go through the windshield and kill the son of a bitch driving. But no, the bird flew under the truck and came out the other side unharmed. I though of that all day that day, what if I can do that? Hey look, that truck looks like the one from Transformers. Let's see if I can manage to take its picture...a little closer...come on...dammit...slow down you lousy bastard...ow shit.
…
…
…
…
..
..
..
.
.
.
“Good morning listeners, what a beautiful morning isn't it?
“Good morning listeners, what a beautiful morning isn't it?
“Good morning listeners.....
“Traffic is light...
“Traffic is light...
“Traffic is...”
Where the hell am I?
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II

Man this place is odd, it's dark. What the hell happened? Am I dead...no...that can't be. Damn...what if I really am dead? What a bummer...what do I do now? It's dark, quiet, lonely...for the first time in my life I want people around me...sucks that I'm dead. I guess the Universe did have it in for me after all.
Wait...what's that? Christ that's a big gate...could this be Heaven? Who am I kidding, I'll never be in Heaven after what I did as a kid. The ground feels like marble, it's slippery as Hell. I still don't get what happened, was I hit by the truck?
“Yes you were!”
Who the fuck are you?!
“I'm a friend, and you need to relax.”
The fuck I'm gonna relax, tell me where I am or I swear to God I'll hit you!
“Trust me, you don't want to get on the Big Man's bad side up here buddy. He can get pretty violent when he's mad. Haven't you read his Book? It's pretty interesting”
The Big Man...Book? What in the Hell is going on here? Who are you and where am I?
“All your question will be answered shortly, all you have to do is follow me. Hurry up now! You don't want to be late do you?”
I'm seriously going to punch you if you don't answ...
“Humans...they never learn.”