Poetry in Community >
Progressive Art
23 June 2012, 22:15 (10 months ago)
 There isn't a reason in the world of poetry why your poem should be so long. Your lines need serious revision, take for example the opening:
My broken heart Is chrushed till its dry (Spelling aside), Why break the lines? Would they not be better as a complete thought with meter as opposed to two lines of broken thought without any rhythm at all? The two lines brought together would yield much more expressively than in their current condition. In fact, you would have a nice line of iamb if we were to keep them in a complete expression. Your use of capitals beginning each line suggests some degree of respect for traditional forms so why not continue throughout the poem. Perhaps with a bit of effort, talent and diligence you could turn this thing around and we might be looking at a decent sonnet. forgive my own spellings this evening, for I am drunk.
 The clock
Time pulled a string of my hair it was a white rose at the end fresh with tender petals sliped from my hands and became a river the rapid stream pulled a string from my dress it was a bird at the end rainbow collered feathers but it flown away nothing but a trace of smoke in the sky the wind blow a waft of air and I fly away pulled by a white string it was from a cloud it had anothers person hand at the end I grab the hand it had a heart at the end the heart was made of a white rose a bird with collered feathers had the shape of a cloud fluttering with the wind but there was a storm and the hand sliped away losted the heart with the collered feathers with the shape of a white cloud the rose had a torn that get tangled in a string of my hair reach for it but there were no more strings to pull no more feathers, no more collered clouds lied down to rest on the spring of water but it was to late to float my skin was my cloud and my dress was my long hair time wad flooded my bed it was the day to sleep way and, as I look around, hundreds of beautiful strings with unimaginable colours was floating very slowly along my side like a maiden eyes going to sleep  T3Seconds25
Please refrain from coming into this thread and making judgemental remarks about the poetry that people have been kind enough to share. It takes a great deal of courage for people to post their work here because the very nature of poetry being what it is, people are often exposing what is normally a very private and personal part of their life. You might feel that your comments about structure, spelling, punctuation, and even in one instance the legitimacy of a piece of work to be classed as poetry are constructive, but I doubt many here will share that view. Most will probably just be upset to have someone passing judgement on their work in this manner and may even feel that if this is a consequence of making their work public then it is not worth doing so again. Your own contributions to this thread in the form of poetry are conspicuous by their absence, which gives you even less right than you already have to make the thoughtless and somewhat superior remarks that you have made about peoples work. If you wish to contribute some of your own work you will be able to do so safe in the knowledge that your work will not be judged for its technical execution or indeed for anything relating to structure or content. You and your work will be greeted with the same degree of respect and appreciation that has been shown to everyone else here by everyone else on this thread, right up until the moment you decided to make your thoughtless and unsolicited remarks. Last edited by AhrimanThorn12875, 8 months ago T3Seconds25 38 Please refrain from coming into this thread and making judgemental remarks about the poetry that people have been kind enough to share. It takes a great deal of courage for people to post their work here because the very nature of poetry being what it is, people are often exposing what is normally a very private and personal part of their life. You might feel that your comments about structure, spelling, punctuation, and even in one instance the legitimacy of a piece of work to be classed as poetry are constructive, but I doubt many here will share that view. Most will probably just be upset to have someone passing judgement on their work in this manner and may even feel that if this is a consequence of making their work public then it is not worth doing so again. Your own contributions to this thread in the form of poetry are conspicuous by their absence, which gives you even less right than you already have to make the thoughtless and somewhat superior remarks that you have made about peoples work. If you wish to contribute some of your own work you will be able to do so safe in the knowledge that your work will not be judged for its technical execution or indeed for anything relating to structure or content. You and your work will be greeted with the same degree of respect and appreciation that has been shown to everyone else here by everyone else on this thread, right up until the moment you decided to make your thoughtless and unsolicited remarks. this issue was reported but looks like for nothing.  magicpotions1211
T3Seconds25 38 Please refrain from coming into this thread and making judgemental remarks about the poetry that people have been kind enough to share. It takes a great deal of courage for people to post their work here because the very nature of poetry being what it is, people are often exposing what is normally a very private and personal part of their life. You might feel that your comments about structure, spelling, punctuation, and even in one instance the legitimacy of a piece of work to be classed as poetry are constructive, but I doubt many here will share that view. Most will probably just be upset to have someone passing judgement on their work in this manner and may even feel that if this is a consequence of making their work public then it is not worth doing so again. Your own contributions to this thread in the form of poetry are conspicuous by their absence, which gives you even less right than you already have to make the thoughtless and somewhat superior remarks that you have made about peoples work. If you wish to contribute some of your own work you will be able to do so safe in the knowledge that your work will not be judged for its technical execution or indeed for anything relating to structure or content. You and your work will be greeted with the same degree of respect and appreciation that has been shown to everyone else here by everyone else on this thread, right up until the moment you decided to make your thoughtless and unsolicited remarks. this issue was reported but looks like for nothing. I also reported this issue, but was told by a moderator that this is a torrent website, and not a poetry website. Apparently he or she didn't care about T3Seconds25 actions.
  I do want to say that I hope people will still continue to share their work with us. I have seen some very talented writing and would love to see more.   you should have PMd me as the guy admitted he was drunk when he started critizing other peoples poetry...this is not a thread for excessively critizing peoples poetry efforts.PM sent to the user in question.
Last edited by ultraround26990, 10 months ago you should have PMd me as the guy admitted he was drunk when he started critizing other peoples poetry...this is not a thread for excessively critizing peoples poetry efforts.PM sent to the user in question. you were not online and wrong user link pm mods, as others users like you can see in AhrimanThorn12875 and ajroberts1901 comments, and also alerted in the mods thread Thank you for the taken action. Last edited by magicpotions1211, 10 months ago Pointeless
If you decide to go... you can choose N&Y... or take a take a zip on the Galaxy... maybe stick your nose in the air for a while... take a swim in the deep blue and remember how tears taste like stop a minute and mesmerize with the beauty invente the perfect excuse to hear him play once more... and remember the voice at the end of the song, remember the plans... giggle about the objective of being different. If you made up you mind to go... beliving there's no point in time or in the downs... ... no point in the memories, or in taking another heart picture. If even then you decide to go, ... as I know you must... then let me steal a cloud... ... and be pointless with you Last edited by magicpotions1211, 8 months ago magicpotions1211
Pointeless
If you decide to go... you can choose N&Y... or take a take a zip on the Galaxy... maybe stick your nose in the air for a while... take a swim in the deep blue and remember how tears taste like stop a minute and mesmerize with the beauty invente the perfect excuse to hear him play once more... and remember the voice at the end of the song, remember the plans... giggle about the objective of being different. If you made up you mind to go... beliving there's no point in time or in the downs... ... no point in the memories, or in taking another heart picture. If even then you decide to go, ... as I know you must... then let me steal a cloud... ... and be pointless with you Beautiful.
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